Social Support and Me

This article is the first in my new column in The Milton Times, Raising & Roasting. It is about parenting, psychology, and family, friendly food.     

Social support is one of the strongest predictors of health outcomes, including quality of life and general well-being. This is often explored in psychological research. Although I always knew having friends and community was important, I never appreciated it more than when I had my first child. Naively, I thought, I am a clinical psychologist, I work with kids and parents, and I babysat regularly in younger years ‘so I’ll be fine.’ And, I generally was, but being a mother challenged me on a whole new personal level. I discovered sides of myself that I didn’t know existed – parts that were insecure, angry, impatient, and sometimes lonely. We had recently moved back from N.Y.C. and though I grew up in town and my family was here, most of my friends were elsewhere. Thankfully, I met a few wonderful Mums when my son started at The Village School; these ladies became my parenting backbone. Sharing the highs and lows with them helped me enjoy this beautiful, tumultuous ride through commiserating, validating, and normalizing.

This column is a way for us all to share in the joy and challenge of child rearing, providing an honest look behind the curtains of our neighbors’ homes. I will interview parents across Milton. Before I air someone else’s dirty laundry (so to speak), I feel it is only fair to go first and answer the same questions.

What is your name and how many kids do you have?

My name is Bobbi Oldfield Wegner and I have a husband and 3 kids (7, 5, and 2). I grew up in Milton, moved away, and returned 6 years ago.

How do you define yourself as a parent?

We aim to create large, clear boundary of what is acceptable/non-acceptable behavior and allow lots of freedom in between. We want our kids to learn how to think on their own, be independent, empathic, and compassionate (a good sense of humor is icing on the cake).

What are you proud of?

I am proud that my kids are kind hearted, empathic, and relatively adventurous eaters for their age.

What has been the most challenging?

Acknowledging that I get frustrated, angry, and impatient. I am way more impatient than I previously thought. And, I yell more than I am proud of – the kids know this is what I am "working on" and that we all have our growing points.

What would you want to share with a new parent out there? Any helpful tips?

Let go of the embarrassment and shame that sometimes comes along with parenting. I’d say most of what we see in our kids is normal. I vividly remember my son biting a friend when he was 3 years old. I overreacted and banished him to his room for way too long for his age. I acted out of embarrassment and lack of understanding. My daughter (and third child) also was a "biter" briefly and I didn’t bat an eye. By ignoring (and not reinforcing this behavior with attention), it seemed to pass much more quickly.

What do you like about raising your family in Milton and what do you wish was different?

I love the support we found here. And, I love we can ski, hike, walk to good restaurants, and feel like Milton has moved from a sleepy, little town to one of vibrancy and access.

What is your favorite, family friendly recipe?

Lentil Soup with Bacon and Herbs (adapted from Bon Appetit, 1996)

½ cup chopped onion

1/2 cup chopped celery

1/2 cup chopped carrot

½ packaged of bacon, chopped

2 teaspoons minced garlic

7 cups (or more) canned chicken broth

2 cups dried lentils (about 12 1/2 ounces)

2 large fresh thyme sprigs or 1/2 teaspoon dried

1 bay leaf

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

2 tablespoons chopped chives or green onions

Preparation

1. Combine onion, celery, carrot, bacon and garlic in heavy Dutch oven. Stir over medium-high heat 2 minutes. Reduce heat to medium-low; cover and cook until vegetables are tender, about 7 minutes. Uncover; add 7 cups broth, lentils, thyme and bay leaf and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered until lentils are tender, stirring occasionally, about 45 minutes. Discard thyme sprigs and bay leaf.Transfer half of soup to processor (or not, I often skip this step and opt for chunkier soup); cool slightly. Puree until smooth. Return puree to Dutch oven. (Can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cover and refrigerate.) Bring soup to simmer, thinning with more broth, if desired. Season soup to taste with salt and pepper. Combine parsley and chives in small bowl. Ladle soup into bowls. Sprinkle parsley mixture over and serve.

Panic!: Am I Ruining My Kids with The Screen?

A recent NY Times article ('Screenagers', What to Do About Too Much Screen Time ) successfully evoked complete worry and feelings of motherly inadequacy in one quick read. Although some might say my 5 and 7 year olds meet D.S.M. criteria for Minecraft Obsession (and I am less than enthused about it), I waffle between firm rules around playing and a laissez faire approach. I feel completely mixed. There is a part of me that knows too much screen time is unhealthy and can negatively impact our kids' moods, attention, impulsivity, and generally deprive them of good ole' fashioned play and fresh air (which is most important to me). I hate to say that I do sometimes see adverse consequence in the short term (i.e. when Ty bursts into tears after asking him to turn off Xbox); I know they are at a particularly vulnerable time in brain development, so my fear around doing long term damage is exacerbated by articles like this one. But, I try to follow my intuition, especially in parenting. When I am strict about Minecraft, I feel virtuous knowing I can tell our pediatrician we are within the screen time recommendation, nonetheless it does come at a cost. As you know, I have three young, ACTIVE children. They need free time to do what they enjoy and I need kid-free time to get things done or take space for myself. This does not seem to happen if they are coloring, doing a puzzle, or another preferable activity.

What has worked for me thus far is remaining attuned, communicative, and flexible. Some days the kids use more screen time than others. Oh well. Although I always feel a little twinge every time they ask for an IPad or sit down in front of Xbox, I think that reflects a ‘should’/’should not’ rather than the fact that they are actually doing something wrong. Guidelines are important. But, they are guidelines. Look to your children.

Ask yourself: How old is the child? Are they active? Do they get enough exercise? Do that have other interests other than t.v. and video games? How is their mood and behavior in general and after they use? How are they doing in school? Is their behavior generally normative for their age? How are they using the screen? Not all screen time is created equal – what are they watching? Do they use screen time to compensate in uncomfortable situations or cope with difficult emotions? Are they socially connected?

It is important to kick these questions around in the back of your mind, but ultimately turn inward and follow your gut. Listen to your answers and make an individual decision, depending on your child. Unfortunately and fortunately, technology is a part of our reality and we need to define usage as we go. You are a consumer and valuable participant in this broad, social experiment. Get active, be thoughtful, look to your children, and make a decision for yourself. Let go of the shame and guilt we too often feel as parents.

What is mindfulness?

There is a lot of pop culture hype around mindfulness. But, what is it actually? Mindfulness is the awareness that comes from paying attention to something on purpose, in real time, without judging. Our thoughts and attention will inevitably get taken away, but mindfulness is bringing that attention back to the present moment and noticing what is happening now. By doing so, we become in touch with our life as it happens rather than feeling like we are chronically on autopilot, which is often the case in modern day society. Whether it is parenting or working outside of the home, most of us run from activity to activity from to-do to to-do, without much attention or appreciation for the experience we are in. For me, I often have that feeling that if I am doing one thing, I know I am not doing something else. If I am riding scooters with my kids on the patio, I know dinner is not being made, work calls not returned. I have come to find that quality trumps quantity. If I can fully and mindfully immerse myself in the experience of play, in the moment, hearing the laughs, and watching the joy, I feel calmer and more connected to myself and to my children. It is not to say that dinner doesn't have to be made or calls not returned, but most often it can wait a minute. I find that if I am fully aware and engaged in the present experience, both the children and I feel more satisfied, and it is easier to completely step into the next activity. I feel the most stressed and notice the kids calling for my attention more when I am straddling multiple activities at once, like playing and making dinner. It seems like I am not quite giving anyone or anything what they need. We all feel worse because of it.

I think people are often intimidated by meditation or mindfulness. It can sound a little exotic or off beat but it can be quite simple to integrate some basic mindfulness skills into everyday life without much training. Quite literally, just start to pay attention to the moment. I often teach my kids basic mindfulness exercises and it is very simple. As you walk, notice as many sounds as you can. Without judging or interpreting. Just notice. Name them and notice. You may want to also notice colors. Or sensations in the body. Or thoughts. You can attend or notice anything. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing and seeing what you see. There is a part of me that lives inside the body and mind and just watches - the observer, the mind's eye. As I watch experiences unfold, I breathe, allowing the breath to become slower and more relaxed. Deeper. Calmer. Allowing the muscles to become loose, and soft, and comfortable. And, the breathe slower. I step into this perspective easily and readily though out the day. It does not have to happen at any particular time or place, but rather weaved into the fabric of the day. I practice mindfulness and move on, whatever that means. However, the more mindful I am, the more I find myself practicing. The calmer I feel. The calmer the kids feel. The calmer the house is. 

Parenting Mindfully in Chaos

I work late on Tuesdays and this past one, I arrived home around 7:30pm. When I opened the door, I heard the kids in the kitchen and a "yay, mommy's home", which filled me with love and excitement to see my chickadees. I dropped my bag and headed into the kitchen to be met with "can you buy more ice cream" from one kid, and noticed how the other had decorated his entire face with a Permanent Gold Sharpie, like everywhere. The babe was toddling around, smiley and adorable, and understandably wanting to cling to me (given I had not seen her much that day). Very quickly, that initial love and excitement was masked by hunger, fatigue, and the need to get the kids to bed - immediately. I quite literally started calculating how long it would take to scrub Ty's face with some probably toxic, abrasive fluid to get the marker off, eat dinner, and get three kids to bed (hopefully with a book or two under their belt). Often on Tuesdays, I eat something quickly and not great for me and rush through dinner and bedtime. This week, instead, I decided to practice what I preach - an exercise in mindful parenting.

I often practice mindfulness at times that are easier - walking by myself, snuggling with Eve when she is sleepy and happy to be held, or lying with the boys before they fade away into their own dreams. Mindful parenting when it's chaotic, I am tired and hungry, and when the kids are tired and hyper is a different story. But, I tried. Knowing that success is measured in increased awareness and ability to come back to the breath when thoughts take me elsewhere, and not necessarily in some perfect state of trance and relaxation I picture Buddha accomplishing in a serene garden (although that would be amazing). So, I sat - in the busy kitchen, with Eve on the table in front of me nibbling on my dinner, and with Tyler (who was oblivious to the fact he was absolutely covered in permanent marker) lapping his ice cream happily and messily at the island. I breathed. And, I ate mindfully. More slowly. Noticing the tastes and sensations.  Not quite as focused as I would have liked but more aware then I generally would have been. In slowing down, I noticed the love and energy I felt when I first arrived home. The warmth. Aware that we were sitting as a family (minus a few members), in our cozy home with each other. I gave up on worrying that Eve was on the table (I was right there and she was safe) and instead I noticed how much she enjoyed my turkey meatballs. Cam returned to the kitchen and ended up engaging Eve (who is 17 months old) in some form of tag. To hear her deep giggle and see his pure adoration of her was beautiful. These are the moments I know I will miss one day. This picture lasted for a relatively short amount of time but I have to say, I enjoyed it more than most of my Tuesday evenings. By giving up on a rigid bedtime schedule and need to control the kids' behavior, I actually gave us all space to get what we needed and we all behaved better because of it. My shoulders relaxed, my dinner tasted good, and I enjoyed my children. The kids were loud, messy, and happy. Ty went to bed that night with marker all over his face, and Cam and Eve went down unremarkably although a tad later than usual.

Sometimes I feel like I am running to the end of some imaginary finish line. Rushing. Racing. Working hard. Stepping back from the natural frenzy of parenting and life, I realize that finish line is flexible and can be moved depending on the flow of the day. Some days, it needs to come sooner than others but other times, like Tuesday evening, it was okay to extend the race at a more reasonable and comfortable pace, and we were all better off because of it.

Raising Free Range Chickadees: Questioning How We Parent as a Culture

Last night my husband and I had dinner with great friends, one happens to be a colleague and a dead-on psychologist, and the other is her amazing husband. For the record, I am also a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety and stress management. On some generic cultural rating system, the four of us would be deemed relatively successful adults (never been to jail, have jobs, try to do the right thing, yada yada yada) although we all bore the well-earned bumps and bruises from growing up in times when we were allowed to fumble our way through childhood. We had loving, well-intentioned parents and came from 'decent families' (whatever that means) and were also given the opportunity to explore the world without intense parental restriction. I spent many a day frantically biking around on my baby-blue banana seat, trolling the neighborhood, and having ink berry fights with the boys down the street. My dinner guests' experiences were not dissimilar. The interesting part is that we all came of age in different decades. We spanned the 60's,  70's, 80's and 90's. We laughed and connected over the crazy things we did, and survived. Our stories were pretty similar although the times and culture in which we lived were different. We talked a lot about how parenting today is different. Dare I say - worse. More restrictive and anxiety provoking. In our business, my colleague and I often see the result of anxious parents and anxious family systems, which is understandably anxious kids. I think most parents would not define themselves as anxious but the way we currently parent as a society is absolutely anxious and avoidant of distress or discomfort - the dreaded helicopter parent. Anyway, as Mark and I work to raise our own three children, we wrestle over the 'right' way to parent. Mark errs on the interventionist side and I on the free-range, but we somehow have come to agree about what works best for our family. Being a psychologist and a lover of mommy blogs, our style is a blend of psychological theory and pop-cultural research. We are not perfect. Our kids are not perfect. We all are flawed, human, and works in progress. I write this piece to open the discussion about modern day parenting and whether or not it is actually working for our children and our families. These are some ideas that guide our parental approach. Take it for what it is worth. A snapshot of a few things we prioritize as parents include: 1) Promoting a healthy sense of self (also known as helping our kids develop solid self esteem), 2) Letting go. Allowing our children the freedom to learn from their own experiences, and, 3) The Cadre. The balance between hard, basic structure with loads of freedom.

Promoting a healthy sense of self is of utmost importance to Mark and me as parents, allowing our children to develop a strong ego, stoking a solid self-esteem. Obviously, every parent wants this for their child but in my clinical work, I often see parents getting in their own way. So, the question is- how do kids develop a strong sense of self? I often refer to Heinz Kohut who is the founder of the field of Self Psychology.  He believes that if parental figures are attuned to their children's needs for nurturance and soothing, and are responsive to these needs, they ultimately promote a healthy development of the child's ego. In very basic terms, the goal is for parents to have a deep understanding of their children, love them, and reflect this back to them; the child then internalizes self-worth. It is like holding a mirror up to your child so they can see their own wonder and greatness. You can also think about your child as a bottle that will get filled up with feelings and thoughts about them self. Parents can help their children genuinely see their strengths and goodness or fill them with judgment and criticism. I am doing Kohut a disservice with this brief and partial explanation but there is too much to his theory to quickly write about on a blog. I would suggest looking him up yourself. The take home note is that being empathically attuned to our children and helping them see their beauty will last a life time in terms of their experience of themselves and others.

Moving on to a less complicated idea - The Cadre, as taken from the pop-culture book, Bringing Up Bebe. In reading this French parenting book, I absolutely identified and found language for our style, which we naturally came to on our own. We employ the French Cadre Parental Model, if that is such a thing. Anyway, the idea is that our kids have a general structure of what is right and wrong. They absolutely know they cannot cross the street without an adult and know that hitting will get them sent straight to their room, but everything within the framework is generally fair game. Having two boys, there is a lot of rambunctious wrestling, jostling, potty-talk, teasing of each other...all things I am not thrilled with, but those are the battles I am willing to give up in the name of letting kids be kids. Pamela Drukerman used the example of the playground to exemplify this. French children know they cannot leave the playground, and don't generally try, but are free to run ruckus within the parameters of the park. With that said, we are okay with the controlled chaos but they are often asked to take it to the playroom or outside as it is just too loud for a non-chickadee, such as myself. This style grants us space to back off our kids and let them be developmentally-appropriately nuts, while removing the nagging element from the dynamic. We all know nagging does not work. It tortures the nagger and the naggee. I do feel like when I say something with certainty, the kids listen because they know I mean business and will follow through with a consequence. I have earned their respect by respecting their individuality and need for space.

               Lastly (for today) I want to focus on independence in the name of self-efficacy.  We believe in giving our kids space to discover what works and what doesn't on their own. This helps them learn in a deeper way than just being told what to do and it also allows for optimal frustration (another Kohutian idea), which states children learn self-soothing skills by experiencing tolerable disappointments. These experiences help build their internal psychological makeup and prepare them for a world where there are normal and expected disappointments. It might be a tad premature but I am already picturing these little guys in high school and really want them to be independent and self-efficacious so they can navigate their worlds with some success and without needing to check in with us about every decision. The reality is, we are not going to be there when they are offered alcohol, drugs or a ride with a drunk friend. They need to be able to think about it and respond. Obviously, my hope would be that they could talk to us about these difficult decisions but realistically, when push comes to shove, it is going to be outside of my control at a time and place when I am not there. I need to do the front end work now (while I have a captive audience), allowing them space to learn what is right and wrong for them. No, I am not often directly talking about drugs and alcohol with my kids yet (although it does come up when we have wine and when Uncle smokes) but I am consciously laying the groundwork for these conversations later. We also very consciously let our kids go out and play without us. Cam is 6 and Tyler is 4 and they spend most of their time in the yard. Granted, I am always peeking out a window and know where they are and what they are up to, but they have internalized a sense of being okay without us right beside them.  I have learned to trust them and hopefully in turn they are trusting themselves and the world around them.

All and all, we are learning as we go. But, thankfully, I have the opportunity to work with many amazing people who share their deepest secrets with me. I am privy to personal narratives that people do not share in most other settings. Through this work, research, and my own experience as a mother,  I am very clear about some basic tenets of parenting my children (today). They need space. The need us to empathize and validate their experience as new-ish, developing people in this sometimesharsh world. They also need clear and distinct boundaries to guide their path. Some things are off limits and they need to know Mark and I are in charge. This actually makes them feel safe, cared for, and loved. I sit here with a 6 year old, 4 year old, and 1 year old and although I feel good about where we are today, their stories are not fully written. I have a sense of how we want to parent now but this could change over time although I believe these basic tenets hold true for any age. So, in response to the current cultural pressure to be a helicopter parent (to more or less degree), I encourage caregivers to step back and honestly ask themselves if this feels right. Is this how we want to raise our children? This is a new cultural phenomena. Why has there been this shift?  And, although there are different dangers out there today, I believe people are responding to their own fears rather than a true increased threat to our children and at the cost of our children's mental health.  What is your parenting model and why?