Dyslexia in French Immersion: Believe It or Not, It is Still Okay

You know how at kindergarten orientation night, they say French Immersion is good for everyone except for the kids with Language-Based Learning Disabilities? Well, my kid falls into that category in a pretty real way, although I did not know it at the time. It has not been explicitly stated but my maternal radar says he is probably a worst-case scenario for the program. Oops. Sorry Bud. Probably a first in one of many future parenting fails.  Well, not quite.

Mark and I sat in Cam’s third grade IEP meeting and we no longer could live in denial – Cam has serious reading issues that fall outside of ‘he is behind because he is in French’. His decoding is BAD, which means he cannot make sense of the sounds that go along with letters. Long and short of it, he can’t read on his own. And now in third grade when the program moves to 50% English, his deficit is glaringly obvious.

 I felt like we had done all the right things, focusing on just one language (French because he was already in it when the reading issues were suspected halfway through first grade), private weekly French tutoring for 2 years, regular reading support in class, French camps. The works. Emmanuel Macron would be pleased in my little Francophile. Unfortunately, it has been at the complete detriment of his English, and now the gap between the other kids and he has widened. Ugh.

Although I spent the first weeks after the IEP meeting on every Dyslexia blog possible and thankfully went as far as to meet with Thomas Hehir, the ex-director of the U.S. Department of Education's Office of Special Education and who responsible for federal leadership in implementing the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). He helped me re-direct the mother ship that was quickly sinking.

During our talk, it became clear to me that despite Cam’s reading challenges, there are many successes – he is well-liked by teachers and peers, he is hard working, motivated, and most importantly, he loves French. My view of success and academic goals widened. Dr. Hehir gently let me know that Cam’s reading issues are going to be lifelong and although it is crucial that we intervene aggressively, his happiness and willingness to do school is paramount. “Our prisons are filled with dyslexics”, he said, as these kids end up hating school, acting out, and unfortunately leave as soon as they can. Unfortunately, many kids do not have the support they absolutely need to flourish. He also shared some of his research from his book How Did You Get Here? Students with Disabilities and Their Journeys to Harvard; what he found was that one important factor in helping kids succeed is having a “caring mother.”

I felt sad that my little boy will always struggle with reading, but my hope for Cam blossomed. Dr. Hehir helped me think about how to support Cam through tutoring and accommodations (text to speech, speech to text, Learning Ally, C Pen, Lexia, Chrome book/Ipad), and the school suggested we focus on bilingualism rather than biliteracy.

My job is not to close the reading gap per se but to help Cam read as best as he can while “not burning him out” and help him understand how to use tools that he will probably need forever.  That I can do. My role was more clearly defined, I felt empowered, and now I can empower Cam. Despite mourning the loss of Cam being a natural reader, his picture is clearer, my maternal hunch was validated, and we have an achievable plan. I know he can have academic success despite reading struggles, and most importantly, I can help him see this in himself.  

So, for all you parents out there with struggling readers, who either know their kids have language-based learning issues or have a hunch they aren’t reading like their peer, don’t panic. Here are some suggestions:

-        Ask the school to evaluate.

-        Get an outside neuropsychological evaluation, if possible. They are expensive 1k-5k, and most often are not covered by insurance. You can petition the school system to help cover the cost and the neuropsychologist should be able to help you fill out the forms.

-        Join a group and get informed as a parent Decoding Dyslexia is a MA-based Dyslexia Group and Dyslexia Support for Parents of Dyslexic Children, both are on Facebook.  International Dyslexia Association is also good.

-        Know that you are your child’s advocate. We have a wonderfully collaborative relationship with Cam’s IEP team which has served him in getting his needs met. The school can be both on your side and at times, in opposition. Empathize with each member of the team and their limits, and know your rights (the law).

-        Be realistic about your child’s needs and where to find support. Support groups help with this. Lean on people who have already gone through this

-        Intervene as soon as possible. We use Nicole Debassio from The Purple Cow Reads (http://www.thepurplecowreads.com/) and she has helped Cam make HUGE gains. Use a program like Wilson or Orton-Gillingham.

-        Get informed. There is a lot of information out there. Sort through what fits your child.

-        Make homework time as tolerable as possible – snacks, breaks (work 15 mins, 3 min break), dare I say fun. In our house, it is when Cam gets the most 1:1 attention. We both do our “work” together. He actually does 15 minutes of homework followed by 3-5 minutes of biofeedback (which greatly helps keep him focused). It is something I am trained in as a clinical psychologist but is very useable at home. If you are interested in learning more, check out Boston Behavioral Medicine in Brookline. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/biofeedback/about/pac-20384664

-        Utilize tools. Accommodations are your friend.

-        Reward the work ethic and study habits (not the spelling grade).

-        And, don’t panic. This will all be okay with proper intervention. There is no right answer. Stay in French, or not. But build a strong collaborative network around you and your child and communicate.

My Seven-Year-Old A**hole

Tyler stands before me mimicking and mouthing the words I say as I ask him to take a time-out for ignoring me for the third time. His face is contorted and completely disrespectful as he pretends to be me. He looks young and silly as he badly copies me, yet my blood boils on the inside. I feel my body tightened. He got me.

The blatant pediatric middle finger to my relatively neutral request after plenty of chances to just f’n sit down. That’s it. Sit in his seat during dinner. Nothing else. I die to give him the double middle finger and tell him to f*ck off, and say “you are being a complete dick.” But, I don’t.

I fight every urge to stay the course and count to 3, letting him know his rollerblades (his prize possession) will go away for the night if I get to 3.  He slowly meanders away from the table up to his room, and I make sure my feet are firmly planted on the floor, so they don’t pop up and give him a little boot to help him pick up the pace. I am at constant war with what I want to do and say as a parent, and what I know to be the healthiest and most helpful as a clinical psychologist. The truth of it is: this is normal. Ty is finally breaking out from his older brother’s shadow, away from his parents, working to find his place in our family and his independent place in the world.

If this child were to come into my office, what would I think? What questions would I ask? I always first ask myself – what is the developmental stage of the kid. Obviously, each kid is on his own path but what is his life like at 7 years old and what would the field generally expect.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), a developmental hallmark for children between the ages of 6-8 years is a wrestling with increasing independence. In layman’s terms, kids at this age are both getting older and independent while being young and needing supervision. When I step back from the emotion and think from my psychologist mind, it makes perfect sense.

This year has been a year of great independence – Tyler began first grade, joined the French Immersion Program that requires him to complete his homework independently, speaks a language that neither of his parents understand, runs around the neighborhood alone calling for friends, plays independently at home with his sibling and peers, and generally has a whole life at school and on the playing field that feels mostly separate from his father and me.

I get the confusion. He wants to be both completely autonomous and needs us greatly. Ty’s new-found sassiness is a concrete representation of pushing that boundary between independence and dependence. He wonders what he can get away with and how to negotiate being self-reliant and a kind, respectful boy. My job is to help him find his way. To hold that line for him. To teach. Seeing his pure, loving heart underneath the edge. Giving him a double middle finger or a kick in the butt, only demonstrates that anger and frustration is managed physically and angrily, sending the message that I cannot tolerate his difficult emotion, his confusion, and boundary testing.

So, for all the parents at home with feisty 6-8-year-olds, remember this:

– Your kids aren’t bad kids. Like all phases, this will pass.

– Responding with anger doesn’t help and adds confusion and generally makes the behavior worse in the long run.

– Hold the line. And, expect them to bump against it often. Counting 1-2-3, very slowly helps in our house. Let your child know that there will be a consequence if they don’t respond appropriately by three and hold the REALISTIC limit (be cautious not to be too extreme because you are angry).

– Name the top three most important things to you as a parent. State your expectation around these three things to your child. Hold them accountable. And let the rest go. Parenting is a compromise, not a dictatorship.

– Talk with your child. Ask about their experience. Validate that their emotions. “You are doing so much more on your own, and it makes me proud. But, kids often feel confused as they do more on their own and aren’t quite sure how to also be a nice guy. What has it been like for you? You are such a good guy. I love when you can use your words and are respectful, although I know it is difficult sometimes. You can be independent and a nice person just like (someone your child looks up to). Remember when they (name a kind gesture the did)?”

At the end of the day, remind yourself you are doing a good job. Times like these can challenge parents and bring up feelings of frustration because they feel their kids’ behavior reflects how well they are parenting. This can be true, but often it is not. Kids must work out their own emotional kinks and that is part of this developmental process. Buckle up, be kind and loving, and take the time to understand what is driving the behavior.

Ran on Scary Mommy first, http://www.scarymommy.com/7-year-old-development/

What is mindfulness?

There is a lot of pop culture hype around mindfulness. But, what is it actually? Mindfulness is the awareness that comes from paying attention to something on purpose, in real time, without judging. Our thoughts and attention will inevitably get taken away, but mindfulness is bringing that attention back to the present moment and noticing what is happening now. By doing so, we become in touch with our life as it happens rather than feeling like we are chronically on autopilot, which is often the case in modern day society. Whether it is parenting or working outside of the home, most of us run from activity to activity from to-do to to-do, without much attention or appreciation for the experience we are in. For me, I often have that feeling that if I am doing one thing, I know I am not doing something else. If I am riding scooters with my kids on the patio, I know dinner is not being made, work calls not returned. I have come to find that quality trumps quantity. If I can fully and mindfully immerse myself in the experience of play, in the moment, hearing the laughs, and watching the joy, I feel calmer and more connected to myself and to my children. It is not to say that dinner doesn't have to be made or calls not returned, but most often it can wait a minute. I find that if I am fully aware and engaged in the present experience, both the children and I feel more satisfied, and it is easier to completely step into the next activity. I feel the most stressed and notice the kids calling for my attention more when I am straddling multiple activities at once, like playing and making dinner. It seems like I am not quite giving anyone or anything what they need. We all feel worse because of it.

I think people are often intimidated by meditation or mindfulness. It can sound a little exotic or off beat but it can be quite simple to integrate some basic mindfulness skills into everyday life without much training. Quite literally, just start to pay attention to the moment. I often teach my kids basic mindfulness exercises and it is very simple. As you walk, notice as many sounds as you can. Without judging or interpreting. Just notice. Name them and notice. You may want to also notice colors. Or sensations in the body. Or thoughts. You can attend or notice anything. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing and seeing what you see. There is a part of me that lives inside the body and mind and just watches - the observer, the mind's eye. As I watch experiences unfold, I breathe, allowing the breath to become slower and more relaxed. Deeper. Calmer. Allowing the muscles to become loose, and soft, and comfortable. And, the breathe slower. I step into this perspective easily and readily though out the day. It does not have to happen at any particular time or place, but rather weaved into the fabric of the day. I practice mindfulness and move on, whatever that means. However, the more mindful I am, the more I find myself practicing. The calmer I feel. The calmer the kids feel. The calmer the house is.