The Real-Life Story of Inclusion Man: Josh Ricciardi

I remember the day so vividly. Josh’s Mom had an ultrasound and I babysat him as she ran into Boston for an appointment; nothing out of the ordinary. But, when she came home, I knew something was wrong. I could see it on her tear strewn face. After hearing about the appointment, it was clear that there was a good chance ‘the baby’ (now known as Reese) had Down Syndrome. As a sister and future aunt, it felt confusing and unexpected.

My eldest sister (Amy) had severe intellectual disabilities and our family spent much time in the world of “special needs.” Having Amy as a sister was fundamental in my life, and she is a huge part of why I am a clinical health psychologist and child advocate. But, that was my life and my experience, and now, completely coincidentally, my young niece and nephews (Josh being one of them) might have a similar path.

My Mom used to always say people look at Amy and feel scared, curious, and even pity but what they didn’t realize is “what a blessing she is to our family”, which was so true although at times unclear. Yes, having a family member with severe disabilities was not easy, and my Mom devoted her entire life to Amy’s care, but as a sister, the positive impact she had on me was unquantifiable. Our relationship was the most influential one of my life.

Reese was born in June of 2010 and blessed the family with her presence as she grew from a beautiful, perfect little baby to a vibrant little girl who is now in first grade. In her short few years, she is already making an impact, especially on her big brother - Josh. Josh, now a 6th grader at Pierce, is a big fan of his little sister whose love turned him into a local advocate, unbeknownst to him. Josh told me, “Reese is a smaller than most 7-year-old girls, but she is funny and is always nice. All she wants is to be friends with everyone she meets. She makes me smile and laugh.”

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This past spring, Josh won a contest for writing a story called ‘Inclusion Man.’ In this story, a young boy named Mickey (who has Down Syndrome) was bullied throughout his life but grew into a savvy engineer who built a magical suit that stops kids from being bullied. Mickey evolved from a victim of bullying to a super hero named Inclusion Man (IM). IM detects kids in trouble and flies to the scene to stop the victimization through talking with the kids.

Josh, I feel you. Imagine if we could actually build this suit and empower kids to speak up and say something? To end the cycle of bullying? To protect our most vulnerable children? To just talk with the bullies directly and share how their behavior makes others feel? The thing is – you have done this. Through your empathy, kindness, and thoughtfulness, you have spearheaded a movement of inclusion by sharing your own story.  You spoke up, when it would be easier to say nothing. You are Inclusion Man. And you are inspiring our town to step up too and focus on the importance of inclusion. You are an everyday hero, and an inspiration to not only me, but our town.

Because your story is so important, many adults are listening and coming together to promote it. Through the generosity of Bill Resnick and Proforma, Inclusion Man t-shirts were made and will be given to children who exemplify empathy, kindness, and inclusion. These shirts are also available for purchase and 100% of the proceeds go to Best Buddies, an organization that is near and dear to your heart.  If you see kids walking around with IM t-shirts, know they care, and have the same hope for kindness and inclusion as you. We will be wearing them with pride.

To all the members of the town, let’s support this beautiful idea. Let’s follow Josh and all be Inclusion Man in our own way. Let’s speak up for the most vulnerable kids in our community. Look for the t-shirts at local events or email Bill Resnick for more information on getting t-shirts as prizes for inclusion in your program william.resnick@proforma.com

And thanks Josh, you are quite a kid, and the best brother a girl could ask for. I can’t wait to see where you go. This is just the beginning. Xoxo – Aunt Bobbi     

This first ran in The Milton Times, May 2018

The Importance of Doing for Others: This Season and Every Season

The other weekend, my family and I raised money and participated in the Best Buddies Friendship Walk in Milton (https://www.bestbuddiesfriendshipwalk.org/). As I stood packed in a diverse crowd with my three little ones in front of me, we listened to the stories of people with intellectual, developmental, and physical disabilities.     

There was something about being with my children at this important event, listening to the heartfelt and sometimes painful stories of others, and the positivity in the air that moved me to tears. The feeling of connection and empathy overwhelmed me as we danced with a community of strangers and as I answered questions from my children about others (i.e. “why did the boy who sang the National Anthem sound different?”).  It felt like there was nowhere else in the world more important to be in that moment. Although I would like to say I was flooded with gratitude and giving, honestly my family received so much more than we offered.

I am no stranger to the world of special needs. My eldest sister and roommate until high school, was born with severe intellectual and physical disabilities. Some of my earliest memories were of visiting her in Children’s Hospital after she had a rod put in her back. I vividly remember the metal crown screwed into her oozing skull that attached her to a chair in attempt to straighten her back. The scars left in her temples lasted a lifetime. I would bring Crayola colored pictures of the two of us that hung in her hospital room and she would happily share the hospital meal of the moment. As a child, I did not know any different. Amy often had surgeries or medical appointments. Now, as an adult and a mother, I cry as I think about all that my sister endured. Before she even entered the world, she had drawn the shortest straw that played out for the 45 years she lived. Although our mother always highlighted the positive of having Amy as a sister and focused on what an impact she made on our lives, it is hard not to notice the cost. I weep for the lost possibilities, the lost life experiences, and the lost years.  

Amy and Ty, a few weeks before Amy died. 

But, my Mum is right.  Unintentionally, Amy taught me to notice how privileged I am – a generally healthy, white, financially stable person living in a safe community. And, it is my duty to use my positioning to help others and to help raise helpers. I am committed to never losing this perspective. I am devoted to making this world a better place for all the people out there, like Amy or others. My life is not perfect, but there is always someone who suffers more than me. 

A thriving and healthy community depends on people to put the common good before their own. If you ask parents what is important, many would say that they want their kids to be ‘kind and caring.’ Unfortunately, our messaging to our children does not match with our intentions. A Harvard study found that out of 10,000 youth surveyed, 80% say that achievement or happiness is their parents’ top priority, while only 20% say caring for others is most important (http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/files/gse-mcc/files/mcc-infographic.pdf?m=1448057567). Youth are three times more likely to agree with this statement, “My parents are prouder if I get good grades than if I am a caring community member.” Sadly, we are missing the boat with our children in this regard. But, as the holidays approach this is the time to get focused and begin a practice of giving back, this season and all seasons. There is never going to be enough time or the right moment, but capitalize on the gratitude around the holidays to begin a habit of giving. You are training future adults. 

Things to think about:

-    What organization or community is most meaningful to you? You are more likely to commit to something that you have an emotional connection to. 

-    As a parent, ask yourself how you are modeling caring behavior? How can you be better at this? Take the extra moment to hold the door for someone, give to the homeless person, bring food to the local shelter ( http://miltonfoodpantry.org/, http://www.feedingamerica.org/find-your-local-foodbank/?referrer=https://www.google.com/).

-    Connect with a local agency like a hospital, school, or social service program (http://www.miltonhelpinghands.org/index.html).

-     What language do you use around being kind and caring? Everyday ask you child, how they were kind or caring at school? Ask if anyone was kind or caring to them at school? 

-    Ask children, were there moments they could have been kind and caring but weren’t? What got in the way? Think about other potential action steps.

-    Teach kids to stand up for those who are vulnerable. Help connect them to the feelings in their body that occur when someone might need a friend or someone to stick up for them (i.e. butterflies in the belly, racing heart etc). 

More and more, I realize how small the world is and how many people need our help. Let’s join together to be the helpers, building a community of kind, caring, and responsible children right here in Milton. Let’s be the change. I promise, we will all reap the benefits. Happy holidays. Published in The Milton Times last week. 

Super Simple Bread - My Kids Love It

Adapted from https://www.mymundaneandmiraculouslife.com/foodie-fridays-easy-peesy-french-bread/

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Ingredients

•    1½ cups warm water

•    1 tablespoon honey

•    1½ teaspoons salt

•    1 tablespoons Active Dry Yeast (I prefer Red Star)

•    3½ - 4½ cups flour

Instructions

1.    Combine water, honey, salt and yeast. Let sit for 10 mins until there is a foam on top.

2.    Knead in flour until no longer sticky.

3.    Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Plop dough on a greased cookie sheet and form into a tube shape. Cover with a lightly damp towel. Let it sit for 20-30 mins, or even a bit longer. 

4.    Cut 3 diagonal slits in the top and bake for 15-20 mins. I use convection bake and it makes for a crusty crust. 

Noticing and Utilizing the Small Moments: How to Speak with Young Boys about Sexism and Sexual Responsibility

Like many pre-dinner hours, NPR played in the kitchen as I cooked and my six-year-old son played Minecraft on the floor. Tom Ashbrook and Terry Gross often feel like invisible, well-informed family members who constantly hum in the backdrop while I take care of home tasks and fade in and out of listening. It could be argued that I should pay more attention to the content when my kids are around but for me, NPR often helps prompt important conversations about topical matters that otherwise don’t naturally come up when talking with my kids.

Last week, there was a story on Harvey Weinstein and the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault in the workplace. My initial reaction was to shuffle quickly to turn down the radio, but instead, I thought how important it is to teach my son about sexual responsibility. Instead of pulling away and avoiding (like we typically do as a culture), I moved toward the difficult subject.

So, began our conversation. I started with something like “Ty, this man they are talking about is a famous movie guy and he got in trouble for saying inappropriate things and touching women when they didn’t want to be touched. Now he lost his job and might go to jail.” I was surprised that he responded without hesitation and said, “Why is he in trouble? Didn’t President Trump do that?”.

My heart sank. Where did he get this from? How does he know about that? And, I can’t believe he might think this is permissible in some way because the president modelled that.

 This just reaffirmed how important it is to have this conversation and not to avoid uncomfortable topics under the guise of ‘kids are too young, the topics are too mature, and they can’t handle it’ because information is out there and our kids are listening.

 I gathered my emotional response and said, “Yes, Trump said inappropriate things and that is not okay either. It makes people feel unsafe and uncomfortable.” I waited. I asked if he had any questions. And, we moved on.

For me, the topic is weighty, important, and intense. For him, it is a moment in time that he and his mom are talking about something on the radio, learning about topics he doesn’t yet know will hopefully help him keep himself and others safe in the future.

These are the moments where education happens. It doesn’t have to be a huge serious conversation; it is a constant modeling and speaking of values that resonate with our family. Ty barely looked up from the iPad, and we moved on to the most important topic for a six-year-old – what’s for dinner.

Later in the week, we were at Blue Hills Gas and the friendly attendant made small talk and chatted with us about the weather. He reminded me that I need a new inspection sticker and I said something like “I know, I wish the garage here still did stickers because I don’t like Garage X down the road and I need to find a new place for inspections.”

The attendant and I brainstormed other places that are trustworthy. I assumed the kids had not been paying attention but as we pulled away, the boys (8 and 6 yrs. old) asked why I don’t like Garage X. I told them there were two reasons. Once, Garage X tried to convince me I needed new brakes and way over-quoted the price. Although I couldn’t know for sure, I felt like they did that because I am a woman and they assumed I didn’t know anything about cars. I told them how I also noticed being treated differently at Garage X when I was with Dad versus when I was alone, and I didn’t like that. And in fact, I am the one in our family who more often changes tires and jumps batteries etc. Furthermore, I got a consultation from a trusted garage who confirmed only minimal worked need to be done and with a much smaller price tag.

Secondly, I told them Garage X has a picture of a woman in a skimpy bathing suit in the main office/store of the garage where they serve patrons, and that makes me feel uncomfortable because it “objectifies women.” Obviously, they wondered what ‘objectify’ means and I explained it is when someone treats another person like an object, rather than a human.

I also said that it is up to the men at that garage to decide if they want to look at pictures like that, but I think it would be best to do it privately and not in a public place as it makes some people (like me) uncomfortable. I reminded the boys that I have a choice in where I get gas and where I take my car, so I choose to spend money someplace else and that people at most other stations are kind and welcoming.

Both boys connected to the injustice of the situations and agreed it is best to use another garage. Ty offered that he will “probably be president one day” he will make sure that Garage X isn’t allowed to “do that.” Cam suggested I go back and wait for the men to go to the bathroom and rip down the calendar while they are out of the office.

I am an imperfect Mom living in an imperfect world doing the best I can to impart values and beliefs that sing true to our family. For us, these are important topics and worth finding the moments in the day to process them with my quickly developing, young boys who one day will (hopefully) go out into the world as respectful allies and advocates for all people. Maybe one of these conversations with Mom will resonate and float to the surface when they inevitably are in a situation where choices around words and actions matter deeply. That is my goal. #metoo

My Kids' New Favorite Soup: Broccoli & Cheddar

Adapted from Food Network

6 tablespoons unsalted butter

2 cloves chopped garlic

1 small onion, chopped

1/4 cup all-purpose flour

2 cups half-and-half

3 cups low-sodium chicken broth

1 bay leaves

1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg

Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper

4 cups broccoli florets (about 1 head)

1 large carrot, diced

2 1/2 cups (about 8 ounces) grated sharp white and yellow cheddar cheese, plus more for garnish

Melt the butter in a large pot over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic, and cook until tender, about 5 minutes. Whisk in the flour and cook until golden, 3 to 4 minutes, then gradually whisk in the half-and-half until smooth. Add the chicken broth, bay leaf and nutmeg, then season with salt and pepper and bring to a simmer. Reduce the heat to medium-low and cook, uncovered, until thickened, about 20 minutes.

Add the broccoli and carrot to the broth mixture and simmer until tender, about 20 minutes. Discard the bay leaf. Puree the soup in batches in a blender until smooth; you'll still have flecks of carrot and broccoli, or puree in the pot with an immersion blender.

Add the cheese to the soup and whisk over medium heat until melted. Add up to 3/4 cup water if the soup is too thick. Ladle into the bowls, garnish with cheese, and serve with a hunk of bread.

Mourning Summer and Learning From What Worked: Back to School

I felt like I was unexpectedly yanked out of summer, moving from warm sand to a cool sidewalk on a sunny fall morning. We awoke surprisingly early, matted down long summer hair, threw as many school supplies as we could organize into backpacks from last year, and kicked open the front door to the familiar sea of little kids and parents moving in a stream down the sidewalk to the first day of school. The feeling was of excitement and mourning. As a parent, I guided my guys to the front door of their elementary where many tearful, relieved, and harried parents caught up with each other and waved their children off. I too said ‘hi’ to a few friends and neighbors but promptly walked Eve back to the driveway, hopped in the car to drop her at Grandma’s house, and scoot off to my own campus. It begins again. Wash and repeat, the well-worn cycle of parenthood.

Although I probably could have slowly eased all of us into school mode, I wanted to hang on the last moments of summer. For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t dying for my kids to go back to school Sorry, annoying – I know, many parents can’t identify with me here, but for us – this was a good summer. We were laxer than we should have been about reading, tutoring, and even general hygiene but our mental health soared. We surprisingly enjoyed the long lazy days of August together. I tempered my need to impose some inflexible structure (although some was important) and let my kids dictate much of their own time. iPad in the morning (oh my!), day filled with outdoor, unstructured activities, and dinner in the evening. Simple as that.

But, now we are off the races. I notice my shoulders feeling stiffer and my belly feeling jittery as I try to pack in my own work and manage the once again full lives of three little people I have under my care. How quickly this feeling returns. Instead of being swept into it and just working harder and faster to keep up, I am setting an intention for the fall – I will say ‘no’ more often, work to let go of the guilt associated with it, and remember these years are fleeting and fundamental in teaching my kids to live a well-balanced life. I am not perfect, they are not perfect, but my goal is to slow down. That means listening more to how my kids look and feel in the environment I am creating, talking about the importance of self-care and mental health, and modeling this at home. 

A farmstand in South Dartmouth, MA

Last Gasp of Summer Quahogs

A friend brought these over for a summer dinner. Kids and adults alike went crazy for the buttery stuffed clams and my 3-year-old asks for them every time we go to the market! Adapted from ‘Tim O’Tooles’ Famous Stuffed Quahogs’

4 cups water

16 ounces chorizo sausage

12 quahogs

1 large onion, finely chopped

1 sleeve of Ritz crackers, crushed

½ cup butter

1/3 cup of sherry

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Bring water to a boil over high heat. Add sausage links; reduce heat to medium and simmer for 10 minutes. Remove links from broth; reserve the broth. Remove casings from the sausage.

Bring the broth back to a simmer and add the quahogs; cook until they open, 5 to 10 minutes. Remove the quahogs; reserve the broth. Remove the cooked quahogs from the shells. Separate the shell halves. If necessary wash the shells.

Place the sausage and quahog meat into the bowl of a food processor; process until chopped, about 12 seconds, depending on your processor. Scrape mixture into a bowl. Add chopped onion to the processor; chop about 5 seconds. Stir in to the meat mixture.

Mix together the Ritz crackers, sherry, and sausage/clam/onion mixture. Spoon filling into empty clam shell halves and top each with a small pat of butter (about a third of a teaspoon).

Place the shells on a baking pan; bake in the preheated oven until toasty brown on top, 15 to 20 minutes.

How to Handle End of Summer Jitters

Summer vacation is winding down and school is fast approaching.  In June, our children could barely wait to put away their backpacks away and spend their days free but now as summer months pass by and camps end, many kids are complaining of being bored and parents are noticing increased irritability. Kids and parents alike rely on structure to help guide the day and more importantly, manage mental health issues like depression and anxiety. As a Mom, I see my kids’ (and my own) anxiety rise when visions of relaxing unstructured summer days quickly morph into the reality of grumpy children kicking around the house saying, “I’m bored” or “Can I use the iPad?”. Many parents know that feeling and are left scrambling to squeeze their child into a last-minute camp or activity to fill the time. And as a clinical psychologist, I often see kids of all ages whose depression and anxiety peak into much more serious clinical presentations when the structure of the day is gone. Structure holds kids and allows them to feel safe, knowing what to expect throughout the day and the week. Although it is crucial for children to have unstructured, free time each day, it is important for there to be some routine and structure (however you define it) to help children manage their emotions. Parents and children should sit down and discuss end of summer plans, how much time is left until school, and how the family will spend time until that point. Kids need to know what to expect.

Things to consider:

-        Know your child. Is your child someone who does better with structure or unstructured time?

-        Create structure somewhere and communicate it. Children do better when they know what to expect and understand the overall plan.

-        Structure doesn’t have to mean committing to camps or formal activities but it can include doing expectable activities like reading in the afternoon, attending regular events (story hour at the library on Wednesdays), and having regular days to play with friends.

-        Although it is not vital, many children do best when they participate in some organized activity.

-        Make sure your child is getting plenty of time to: eat, sleep, read, and play - with peers, with family, alone, and outside.     

-        Begin to lay the expectation that school is starting. It makes the transition smoother.

-        Collaborate with friends and neighbors and each take half a day to host a structured activity.

Symptoms to look out for:

-        Loneliness. Often, when children lose structure, they can become socially isolated and lonely, which can lead to poor mental health. Stay tuned in to whether your child is maintaining regular, healthy social contact with peers.

-        Social comparison, also known as ‘F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out)’ Our children are constantly bombarded with regular images of their peers at various social events, leaving our children feeling excluded and sad. Help children manage these emotions by helping them understand their feelings, put the images in context, and respond in a healthy way.   

-        Increased anxiety. Many people (especially children) experience increased anxiety when structure is lost. Look for symptoms of irritability, excessive worry, preoccupation, trouble sleeping (sleeping), change in appetite (more or less), change in energy (more or less), trouble concentrating and physical symptoms (belly aches, headaches).

-        Increased depression. Look for irritability, anger, feelings of hopelessness, apathy, sadness, social withdrawal, increased crying, changes in sleep/appetite/energy, and physical symptoms (i.e. somatic complaints).

-        Increased screen time. Often children turn to the screen (television, computer, or video games) to help manage boredom. Although this moderate screen time is reasonable, excessive screen time can create other psychological and physical issues. See the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines for suggestions (https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/american-academy-of-pediatrics-announces-new-recommendations-for-childrens-media-use.aspx).

-        If you are concerned about your child, call your insurance company or search www.psychologytoday.com to see a list of local clinicians.

Folding Sunglasses are Cool but Empathy is Cooler: An Unintentional Tale of Exclusion and Privilege

The day was energetic, exciting, and bursting with school pride. As a parent, my heart beamed with joy and happiness as I watched my boys run endless laps around the gymnasium as music blasted; they ran hard to do their part in raising money for a new playground. The unity in the room was pulsing and palpable. Seeing kids come together to raise money for their school was tear-inducing. The principal danced in the middle to pop music and teachers and students tirelessly ran, side by side with parents and siblings cheering and high fiving from the side lines. Little kindergarten girls with bobbing pony tails kindly held hands and walked with my niece, who has Down Syndrome, as classmates whizzed by. Exhausted kids fell and were hoisted back up by supportive classmates. It was a beautiful event and one that met the imagined picture of what I want school to be for my children. One I both hope for and feel so incredibly grateful to have. I left Glover with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. The sun seemed to shine brighter. People say you are only as happy as your saddest child. My heart beamed that day. So, when I picked my second grader up at school, I was surprised to see a sad, little, red face holding back tears behind foggy glasses. Cam immediately asked if I had recorded his pledges into the computer. PANIC! But, thankfully we had. Before he ran home alone, Cam briefly explained that only he and a couple other kids in the class were not called to receive various prizes after the run. His kindergarten brother had the same experience. As his friends buoyantly compared loot, Cam ran ahead and immediately went up to his room to hide in his bed and cry. He wanted to be left alone.

I was left feeling like, “WTF”. I was there. The day was joyous. What happened? I sat with a bit of sadness and a lot of confusion for my little guy.  I heard Cam weeping in his room. The boys did pledge money (although they had not turned the check in yet), and the site said it wasn’t due until the following week. My Mama Bear part wanted to call the school and have a good ‘talk’ with someone about the injustice and inequality in this. Aside from my kids temporary feeling of exclusion, what about the kids who might not be able to contribute? Kids who can’t ask caregivers or family members for one reason or another? It ignores kids without socioeconomic privilege, a group that is already chronically marginalized. My sadness turned to anger.

 I sat a bit longer. I resisted the impulse to blame someone or shoot off a fiery email. And, I thought more. After calming down, mostly because Cam calmed down after a good cry and a thoughtful talk, I went on to think ‘who excludes just a few kids in a classroom?’. Clearly, it was not their lovely, thoughtful teachers so I assumed it must have been the organization that came to host. An example of good intention focused on the goal of raising money for the school (and themselves), that created an unintentionally exclusive environment.

But, like any emotion, the fiery wave passed and I put this experience into a bigger picture. If I assume good intentionality and good enough reason on the school’s part, I asked myself: what can we learn from this? I realized that despite reading and writing a lot about backing off your kids and giving them opportunity for failure and ‘healthy suffering’, it is a difficult urge to resist. I learned my emotions are tightly tied to my children’s emotions, and I often feel the need to act or respond rather than just sit and listen. I also realized there was real opportunity in this for my boys that I might undo it in trying to change the natural course of action. And, I know rewarding financial contribution in young kids is a total set up for those less fortunate and I will raise this with the principal one day; as a person of privilege, it is my responsibility to speak up.  

So instead, Cam and I talked about how the feelings he felt weren’t really about the crappy sunglasses or flimsy Frisbee he did not get - it was about feeling excluded and ignored. The sadness that overcomes the soul and the despair that creeps up when you know you worked just as hard as everyone else yet you are denied the prize. In a developmentally appropriate way, we talked about how the feeling of exclusion might not be familiar to him as a little boy who was born into lots of privilege. He has a loving family, lives in a safe neighborhood, has all his basic needs met, has many friends, is generally healthy, and has loads of other privilege (never mind that he is a white male…. which is beyond his young understanding). And, with that comes a responsibility. That feeling he felt, other kids often feel. I spoke to the sadness, anger, and loneliness I felt as a little girl when someone would point, laugh, or exclude my sister who had severe developmental disabilities.  I encouraged him to remember that feeling he felt and always look around to notice who is left out or is being ignored. Notice who is excluded in situations - there is often someone. It is our responsibility to notice, empathize, and act. It is a privilege to be in the helper position and it is part of his duty as a member of our family. Cam seemed to understand on some basic level. He intently listened. I know this is something that we will constantly need to revisit and help him develop.

At the end of the day, The Fun Run did not end how I would have hoped but the day was generally beautiful and there was something to be learned. As a Mom, I learned it is difficult and valuable to sit back. The boys connected with a feeling of exclusion, which (thankfully) they don’t regularly face, and which will hopefully help them grow into advocates and allies for their classmates and peers. We both learned that pausing, talking, and processing is so much more valuable than receiving a chintzy prize that will eventually break and be tossed aside. Well, that is debatable. My boys would probably still opt for the folding sunglasses rather than an emotional talk with Mom but one day I have faith they will understand as these conversations continue. They will reap the benefits of being an empathic person long after the glow runs out of the bracelet. 

How to Raise Empathic PARENTS (and Kids)

Just like you, the love I have for my children is ferociously and unconditionally deep. Not all moments are happy, but the good ones satisfy my soul.

A freshly bathed baby viscerally and immediately transports me back to fond memories. When my oldest quietly shares a private feeling, it hooks me in. When my middle son’s eyes transform into tiny slits, and he lets out a hysterical giggle, his youthful joy is contagious. And my youngest, she gives the best bear hugs. Her love emanates through her little chubby arms that can barely wrap around my neck. I luxuriate in the warmth.

I live for these moments of love and connection. You know these feelings, too. We’re all connected through the common experience of unyielding and jarring love. We’re also connected by the moments of difficulty, uncertainty, and frustration.

Unfortunately, we often lose sight of these commonalities and find ourselves judging and criticizing each other. I frequently hear, “That Mom should not let her kid…” and “I would never…” as if they somehow know best about another person’s reality.

We focus on points of differentiation, creating distance, hostility, and loneliness in an already draining parenting culture. We use our personal take on parenting to assess and judge other’s behavior rather than to share in the many points of mutual understanding – those hugs and those days you feel like you’re losing your mind.

Parenting is hard enough. Let’s apply some basic psychological practice and assume a non-judgmental, empathic stance – not only for our own good, but also to model empathy for our children. Research shows people behave best when they feel supported and good about themselves. Parents thrive and are free to raise the healthiest children possible when they don’t feel judged for their decisions (good or bad). Making mistakes is an organic way humans learn.

Recently, on my town’s community Facebook page, a resident posted “a friendly reminder not to leave a child unattended in a car” after she saw a toddler buckled in a car seat down the block from a coffee shop while the parent presumably got a coffee. A storm of judgment erupted.

“Should have taken a picture and really shamed her…bad parent.”

“I probably would have called 911.”

“It was extremely negligent. I would teach the parent an important lesson. Inexcusable.”

This pinned a modern day scarlet letter to the minivan with the young, unattended child. The comments unleashed the punitive reprisal of an unforgiving, middle-upper-class community, and read as a threat to other parents to not step away from their children or else.

Ironically, the act of leaving a child in the car to run a quick errand is obviously contentious, but NOT illegal in Massachusetts. And although many people may feel that the child was in grave danger, the statistics don’t support that.

Violent crime rates have decreased since the 1970s, for both children and adults. According to the FBI, violent crime is at a historic low. NPR reported on how we have come to judge parents for putting their children at perceived, but unreal risk.

The irony is that a child is much more likely to experience a dangerous event like choking (1/3,408, The National Safety Council) or be killed in a motor vehicle accident (1/113, The National Safety Council) than he would be kidnapped by a stranger (.00016%, according to U.S. Census Report in 2000; 1.6 children per 1,000,000).

Harvard law blogger, Phillip Greenspun, cites a U.S. Justice Report and states that it would take an average of 26,000 years of a child sitting alone in a parking lot before that child would be kidnapped by a stranger – and 50 percent of these children would be returned.  

The intention of this essay is not to debate whether this was a sound decision or not, but rather to highlight the intense judgment present right here in my own town. Much attention has been paid to the divisiveness of our country, but clearly thrives in our educated, progressive town as well.

Most often, the criticism is unintentional and automatic – casual comments about neighbor’s choices made in a few quick clicks on a public forum, spewing judgment that you’d probably never hear in person. We often feel justified when it comes to ‘the best interest of the child,’ but that view is unempathetic and short sighted. It creates a hostile environment where people parent out of fear. This is dangerous.

In therapy, we know telling someone how to behave is pointless. It creates a space where secrets live, negative feelings pervade, and bad things brew. We need to pause, step back, and think about how we contribute to our culture. Are you behaving in a way that is consistent with your overall belief in caring compassion? Do you want to raise empathic children? I am sure your answer is a resounding yes.

A large, 30-year study from the University of Michigan found that we are raising kids who are significantly less empathic than prior generations. College-aged kids were deemed 40 percent less empathetic than their peers 30 years ago. How can we teach empathy if we don’t model it? Do as I say, but not as I do? Let’s begin with empathy and kindness at home and in our towns.

Think about all the ways you feel connected to the mother in question on the Facebook thread. Focus on how she is relatable, how you can relate to her. How can you help, rather than judge? Could you wait around to make sure the kid is safe rather than quickly calling the police?

I am sure that mother loves her child as ferociously and unconditionally as you love yours. She hugs and snuggles, laughs and plays, just like you. She is there, present and unyielding, just like you are.

Practice empathy. Practice love. Practice acceptance. That is good parenting. It is healthier for you, and your children. And it builds a better future for us all. 

First published on www.parent.co

Creamy Feta Dressing

Adapted from Kathy Gunst

1/3 cup feta cheese, plus ¼ cup feta

1/3 cup buttermilk

1/3 cup sour cream

1/3 cup scallions, chopped

Salt and Black Pepper

In a Cuisinart or with an immersion blender, blend 1/3 cup of feta, the buttermilk, and sour cream. Add the remaining 1/4 cup feta cheese — don’t mash it — and the scallions, salt and a generous grinding of black pepper. Taste for seasoning. The dressing needs to be refrigerated for about 30 minutes before using to thicken and let the flavors come together. Makes about 1 cup and tastes great over chopped romaine hearts or given in ramekins for kids to dip carrots in. 

How to Raise Compassionate Kids: Psychologists, Healthcare Providers, Educators and Parents Weigh In

I collaborate with NBC News’ Education Nation and write and edit content for their website, www.parenttoolkit.com, which is a great resource for all parents looking for help navigating their child’s journey from pre-kindergarten through high school. Health and Wellness, Social-Emotional, and Academic guidelines are given for each grade. Last week, I hosted an hour-long Twitter chat (#ToolkitTalk) for Education Nation with Dr. Maurice Elias, Professor and the Director of the Social-Emotional Learning Lab at Rutgers University. The topic was How to Raise Compassionate Kids. Many parents, educators, and healthcare providers wrote in to discuss the topic and here are some of the most important take home points. But first, what is compassion? Compassion is empathy in action. It is to feel someone’s feeling and act upon it with the goal of providing relief to the person

- Help your kids notice the ‘caring’ feelings inside their body. When do they notice it? How do they respond to it? Help kids connect to this feeling and act on it.

- The best parents teach compassion to their kids early. Making compassion a core value serves the child and the world.

- We build kids’ compassion first by asking them to notice how others seem to be feeling in different situations. By kindergarten, kids should have the capacity to experience care, concern, or sadness when classmates are troubled.

- Teaching your kids to accept others can help build their social-emotional learning skills. Teach your child about diversity by explaining to him that people are different, and everyone is equal. Make it concrete by asking how he would feel if all his toys were the same or all his crayons were the same color?

- Express your curiosity for those who are different. Help your child view others as enriching not as dangerous or to be feared.

- Research shows that compassionate kids are happier, emotionally connected, and have more friends. Compassion helps others and it serves the child.

- Process with kids what GETS IN THE WAY of acting compassionately. Empathize and validate and brainstorm ideas together.

- Ask your child two ways people were helpful to her during the day and how she was helpful to others to highlight acts of kindness EVERYDAY.

- Self-compassion is also important and kids learn this via modelling. Teach self-compassion by practicing self-compassion as a parent. When parents make a mistake, own it rather than hide it and say “oh well, those things happen sometimes” and move on.

- We cannot always end, heal, or stop the suffering we see but simply pausing to recognize the suffering of others in extremely meaningful and important in building compassion.

- Compassion is indispensable for effective leadership and learning.

- When kids disagree, how can parents teach kids to be compassionate anyway? We do too much either-or reasoning with kids and with each other. We need more “both-and” kind of thinking and talking. Help kids notice competing parts–one part wants to scream and another wants to act compassionately. Help them mediate these competing voices.

- Accept that you can’t force compassionate behavior on your child. Empathize with the child’s feelings if they don’t want to act compassionately in the moment. Pause. Come back to it later and process the feelings underneath the behavior.

- Most importantly, model compassion. Start at home. Treat your family compassionately. Prioritize it. Talk about it daily.

- Another good resource on the topic is Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project (http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/)

You can read more at www.drbobbiwegner.com or read the complete Twitter chat @EducationNation or @drbobbiwegner

Candy Cookies to Share with Friends

Adapted from Dinner: A Love Story

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened

3/4 cup sugar

3/4 cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large eggs

1 1/2 cups of chocolate chips or any of your favorite candy, crushed, or both! We use chocolate chips, peanut butter cups, and toffee candy bars. 

Preheat oven to 375° F.

Combine flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in chocolate and candy. Drop rounded tablespoons of dough onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

The Case for Choosing Downtime Over Organized Sports

My husband and I went out on a bit of a limb this winter: We made a family decision not to have our kids participate in organized sports (our children are 3, 5, and 8 years old). Gasp!

Long ago, we decided to avoid hockey unless our kids showed a strong interest. My husband had spent many, many hours in the hockey rink from early childhood through adulthood with his parents very kindly schlepping he and his brother to every corner of New England. We didn’t opt out because he had some horrible experience or was pressured by those intense sports parents we often hear about. He loved it, and some of his best memories are on the ice.

During the winter season, I always played basketball and have equally warm associations. So, no, we aren’t parents who are philosophically against organized sports. We were both three-season athletes in high school, each captained two teams, and athletics were a huge part of our lives.

But the tide has changed. In talking with past coaches and seeing children in my clinical practice, sports have become a specialization for older kids, and one of the many harried activities for younger ones. And for many families, it is just another stressor with hours and hours spent in rinks or other venues and away from time just hanging around together. There is nothing inherently wrong with hockey, basketball, or any sport; in fact, there are a lot of positive benefits derived from these activities when they are balanced with free time, but the evidence shows too many activities and not enough downtime is bad for our kids’ health.

Things are different than when we were growing up. My husband and I both work a lot, time is limited, and stress is high. Our experience is not unique and we know that the current high pressure, fast-paced culture works wholly against the development of healthy children. Increasingly, research shows that kids raised in this type of environment have higher rates of mental health issues and poorer coping skills in childhood and beyond.

In response to this, researchers and clinicians from Stanford University developed a program called Challenge Success to raise awareness, advocate for family time and downtime, and give parents tools and guidelines to help address some of these issues. Denise Pope, one of the founders of Challenge Success and an author of Overloaded and Underprepared: Strategies for Stronger Schools and Healthy, Successful Kids advocates for protecting “PDF” (playtime, downtime, and family time) as our children have significantly less downtime than we did growing up. Younger kids should have at least as much free play time as structured activity time, which seems unfathomable if you think about the current tone in most middle-upper class communities.

At first, when the registration deadlines passed and “free weekends” started popping up in our calendar this winter, I noticed a tinge of anticipatory anxiety and self-doubt: “We have super active kids. I think they need to play sports!” “Maybe other kids need more downtime, but ours need to stay busy or hell will break loose at home!” But, alas, the world did not crumble, and we found quite the opposite. We all felt calmer.

Instead of rushing one of the kids to basketball on Friday evenings after work, my kids played foosball and I sat on the couch in front of the fire and read my new cookbook as I planned for a family dinner. We were all tired from a long, busy week and were happy to have downtime. Instead of shuttling the kids around on Saturday morning, I actually got to the gym before we packed up for a quick and easy mini-ski trip.

In fact, I sit in our hotel room right now and write to the sounds of my husband’s snoring and the jostling of little feet. We plan to sleep in (whatever that means when you have three young kids), swim, ski, and not have to rush home to any planned activities. It just feels right. And no, sports aren’t out for our family completely.

Obviously, there is a lot of value in athletics for other reasons, but there does need to be some vigilance around prioritizing free time and an ongoing, cost-benefit assessment of added activities. Just because the rest of the town is doing said activity is not a good enough reason. For me, signing up for spring soccer and lacrosse is on my long to-do list, but this winter was a start at refocusing and an attempt to prioritize PDF when it felt reasonable and possible for my family.

Fresh Pasta with Sweet Italian Sausage, Spinach, Garlic, and White Sauce

½ lb. of ground sweet Italian sausage

About ½ box of baby spinach

1 clove of chopped garlic

4 tablespoons butter

¼ cup of flour

2 cups whole milk

½ teaspoon of salt

Freshly ground black pepper to taste

A box of pasta cooked per it’s instruction (I prefer the fresh pasta)

Heat a large frying pan over medium heat and brown sausage, taking care to break up into bite sized pieces. When the sausage is browned and cooked through, add the garlic and spinach, being careful not to burn the garlic. Cook until the spinach is mostly wilted. Then add the butter and flour and mix until it comes together into something that resembles a paste (1-2 minutes). Slowing add the milk, gently stirring as you go. The sauce should barely simmer as it thickens, about 5 minutes. Add the salt and pepper.    Cook the pasta according to the box. Once the pasta is cooked, drain most of the salty pasta water leaving 1-2 Tbs. in the pot. Add the sausage-white sauce to the large, pasta pot and dump the pasta back into the pot. Gently mix. Enjoy!

Interview with Sue Dooley: Teaching Gratitude and Acceptance

Last year when I started Raising & Roasting, I posted on Milton Neighbors on Facebook and asked for volunteers to talk with me about parenting. I received many responses and Sue Dooley was one of them. Quite honesty, I wanted to interview her mostly because she is in a same sex marriage with two young boys (Liam, 5.5; Teddy, 4.5) and everyone else I spoke with were in hetero relationships. Sue and I vaguely set up a time to meet, but in the meantime, we kept crossing paths. At golf lessons. At a dinner organized by a mutual friend. And, when my son went to kindergarten, one of the first boys he met was Sue’s son, Liam. So, I began to get to know her a bit before we met for the interview. Although I was still very interested to hear about how parenting may or may not be different as a same sex couple, I was more intrigued to hear how she manages as Senior Vice President of Global Marketing at The Rockport Group, has two completely lovely and adorable boys, a successful and nice wife (Tara), finds time to participate in activities outside of home and work, and most importantly, prioritizes family every day. Sue and Tara are the modern-day Cleavers, except with more perspective and acceptance for everyone. Listen to hear how Sue manages a successful and busy working life while being a present Mom raising two rambunctious and loving boys.  Excerpts from the interview are below. 

Teddy, Tara, Sue, and Liam

 Tell us a bit about yourself

 I’m Sue Dooley, a Mom of 2 young boys (4.5, 5.5), a wife of lovely woman named Tara. We have been in Milton for about a year. I am in the marketing field and she is in healthcare. I lived here about 16 years ago and hoped to stay but couldn’t find the right house so moved out of town (to Canton). Eventually we outgrew the house so we moved back to Milton.  It’s fantastic, we love it. Tara and I have been together for 15 years and married for 10. We are well into our relationship and know what we are looking for in a community and it felt very right to come home.

How has it been living in Milton?

It’s been great being here. It coincides w the general movement in society of acceptance. Marriage is now a national privilege for everybody and it seems that the rising tide of acceptance is there and definitely here in Milton, which to me seems like a very diverse town even though there is a high population of Irish-Americans - I am one of them!  Milton still has a nice racial diversity. We have met other same sex couples and more importantly we have met educated and open minded people so it has been great to be here.  

What guides you?

We don’t have a formal philosophy. We haven’t read a lot of books about what is means to be a parent or a same sex parent. But, we know we were raised by wonderful families with good values and we would really like to instill those values in our boys. We want to make sure they are grateful for things. Tara and I are blessed with good careers and financial security. The materials things we have in our life, we want to make sure they appreciate and make sure they understand not everyone has those; there is no judgment about what people have or do not have - there are far more important things. The value of being grateful of the things you have and most importantly the people in our life. Every night I pray with the boys and reflect and be thankful what went on in our day and the people that made it important, and even the people we don’t even see everyday like military personnel, police, firemen and woman, doctors and nurses taking care of people around the world. It’s really important that we are grateful. Another value is instilling confidence. Confidence comes from knowing they are loved regardless of the situation - whether they score a goal in soccer or are too tired to play. if they get 5 stars at school or get in trouble. They are loved.

What challenges you?

At this stage, it’s my work schedule. I enjoy work but I’m not married to my job. I have a responsibility at my job and I have a financial responsibility to my household but when I get home, I shut it down. The balance is the biggest challenge. One advantage of becoming a parent at 44 is that I was already in the senior management role. I make very good use of my time at work. The water cooler chat is not there for me. I come to work, I say good morning, I’m happy and hospitable, but I’m getting my job down and not wasting time.

What do you do well?

I’m good at diffusing a bad situation and that comes from my person outlook on life. My glass is half full. I use humor a lot in my work life in managing people and I use humor in the management of my of kids. When they are unnecessarily whiny, I’ll come up with something funny or witty. Whatever works in that moment in time.

Does being in a same sex couple affect parenting for you?

It’s not a big deal. But, we make it a point that everyone knows it from the get go because it is who we are. Not that it defines us but it’s part of who we are.  We don’t want any surprises or misconceptions when somebody finds out that Teddy and Liam don’t have a Dad. The Milton School System has been fantastic. Like on Father’s Day, they will say ‘make a card for a special man in your life’ so it’s not like ‘oh, well you don’t have a father’. The school is very aware that these two boys have two Moms so there have been little changes in the road but it’s been an exceptional experience. They key is just being open. It’s not like we are walking in and waving a flag right away but we just want to clear the air, mostly for the wellbeing of our kids.

How does this relate to the boys, or not?

I’ve been out 30 years. Through maturity and time, you get more comfortable with who you are, whether it’s your sexuality or whatever it is. I don’t often say that I am a person that’s gay; it doesn’t seem relevant and it’s not an adjective I often use to describe myself. What is most important to us is just being aware of different types of people in the world, whether its visible or not. The boys get it. The line we have used from day one – families come in all shapes and sizes. All colors. Some with two Moms, two Dads, one Mom one Dad, one Mom and no Dad, and gosh, some kids don’t even have parents! We have ingrained that so much it doesn’t even phase them.  But, I don’t think they have actually met any other kids at school with same sex parents. We are sensitive to acceptance of all different types of people.

What are your thoughts on family dinner?

 We try to have dinner together every night. But, my career is pretty demanding and I’m not always home in time. There is some travel and extended hours but I make it a point to before the kids go to bed to spend time and a few nights a week for the family meal together. That table is conversation – what made your day good, what were the struggles, Tara and I share too. Just be together. It’s not just hearing from the boys, Tara and I share too.

Simple Recipe: Chickpea, Olive, and Feta Salad (Bon Appetit)

2 tablespoons of good olive oil

1 tablespoon of lemon juice, freshly squeezed

1 15-oz can of chickpeas, rinsed

½ cup Kalamata olives, or your favorite kind

½ cup feta cheese, crumbled

Salt and pepper, to taste

Whisk olive oil and lemon juice together. Toss chickpeas, olives, and feta with dressing. Add salt and pepper to taste. Pairs well with any grilled meat or fish.

The Impact of Parental Stress

We all know how damaging stress is but how does it relate to my family? Stress is contagious in some way. Well, it is nearly impossible to be the best parent you can be when you don’t feel well. Anyone who has experienced anxiety and stress knows how impossible it is to just ‘push through.’ In the worst-case scenario, it is debilitating. For many, it is uncomfortable and unpredictable and any sufferer would say that it impacts their life. It also directly affects your children more so than we would like to believe. Newborns look to their primary caregiver to help regulate their emotion. And, when babies are exposed to high levels of the stress hormone (Cortisol), they are at risk for developing behavioral problems and stress-related diseases later in life (Asok et al 2013; Luby et al 2013). When it is bad, toxic stress affects brain development and even shortens the lifespan. It’s not a pretty picture. Older children can be just as affected. When mothers experience anxiety and depression early in the child’s life, research has shown that the kids are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems later (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/10/131024102036.htm). Even in the healthiest homes, stress is present. Unfortunately, it is a part of current day culture. Running from one activity to the next is not only commonplace, it feels like if we aren’t doing so, our kids are behind. Stress affects kids’ mood and behavior in different ways including more aches and pains, worry, sadness, hyperactivity, oppositional behavior, withdrawal, depression and anxiety. Stress even suppresses the immune system, making it more difficult to heal from the everyday bumps and bruises of childhood. What a catch 22. Most would agree that having kids is stressful in modern day society, yet being stressed it bad for all our health and trickles down from parents to kids. So, what do we do about it? We need to: 1) assess the stress in our lives, 2) change our cognitive and behavioral response to stressful events, and 3) learn some basic coping skills that everyone in the family can use. This is the first in a series of how to manage stress and anxiety at home. To start, assess your own stress at home with a self-assessment. Later, changing your stressful thoughts and behaviors will be addressed.

References: 

Asok A, Bernard K, Roth TL, Rosen JB, and Dozier M. 2013. Parental responsiveness moderates the association between early-life stress and reduced telomere length. Dev Psychopathol. 25(3):577-85.

Luby J, Belden A, Botteron K, Marrus N, Harms MP, Babb C, Nishino T, and Barch D. 2013. The Effects of Poverty on Childhood Brain Development: The Mediating Effect of Caregiving and Stressful Life Events. JAMA Pediatr. 2013 Oct 28. doi: 10.1001/jamapediatrics.2013.3139.

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Parental Stress Assessment

(Adapted from The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook for Kids: Help for Children to Cope with Stress, Anxiety, and Transitions, 2009)

Type of Stress: Mild (1 Point), Moderate (2 Points), Severe (3 Points)

Add your points below:

Work Hours

• 20 hours or less - 1
• 40 hours - 2
• More than 40 hours/week - 3

Work Stress

• Work is mostly pleasureable - 1
• Work is tolerable - 2
• Work creates significant stress in my life - 3

Number of Kids

• One - 1
• Two - 2
• Three or more - 3

Childcare Support

• I have generally have quality, reliable childcare - 1
• I feel okay about my childcare but it could be better - 2
• I am very pleased with my childcare - 3

Parents' Physical Health

• I am generally in good health - 1
• I have some health conditions that require treatment - 2
• I have a health condition that interferes with my life - 3

Parents' Mental Health

• I generally feel calm and content - 1
• I sometimes seem to worry or feel more sad than others - 2
• I often experience times when I can't stop worrying or feeling sad - 3

Financial Stability

• I am able to save some money but not a lot - 1
• I often worry that there is not enough money - 2
• I have significant financial issues - 3

Social Support

• I am mostly content with my social support - 1
• I wish I had more friends and family around to spend time with - 2
• I often feel alone and unsupported by friends and family - 3

Community

• I am generally happy with my community - 1
• I wish my community was a bit different than it is - 2
• I dislike my local community and would like to move - 3

Safety at Home/Neighborhood

• My homelife is safe - 1
• My homelife is generally feels safe but sometimes I feel emotionally or physically threatened - 2
• I do not feel safe at home - 3

Child's Physical Health

• My child is in good health - 1
• My child has some health issues that are generally manageable - 2
• My child has serious health issues - 3

Child's Mental Health

• My child is generally happy, aside from normal mood changes - 1
• My child seems more unhappy or worried than other children - 2
• My child often cries, worries, or acts our more than his/her peers - 3

Child's School Life

• My child generally likes school and does well enough - 1
• My child either doesn't like school and/or has some academic issues - 2
• My child either hates school and/or has significant learning challenges - 3

Coping Skills

Other Problems

• My child or I have some other mild problems not addressed here - 1
• My child or I have other moderate problems otherwise not addressed in the assessment - 2
• My child or I have other serious problems not addressed in this assessment - 3

Meals Eaten Together as a Family

• Our family eats together 5-7 time/week - 1
• Our family eats together 2-4 - 2
• Our family eats together 0-2 times/week - 3

TOTAL: _____________________________

Scoring:

0-16 = Mild amount of stress. Looks like your parental stress is generally well managed.

17-32 = Moderate amount of stress. Sounds like you experience some parental and learning basic stress management skills could help.

33-47 = Significant amount of stress. Looks like you experience a significant amount of stress and could benefit from stress management skills and/or professional support.

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Family Dinner Recipe: Beth Hayes’ Apricot Chicken Thighs

1 Package of Chicken Thighs

1 Jar of Apricot Preserves (I’ve also used Fig)

1 Tbs. Honey

1 Tbs. Grainy Mustard

1 Tbs. Olive Oil

Add the olive oil to a frying pan over high heat brown the chicken thighs and season with salt and pepper. Once the chicken is brown on both sides, dump the whole jar of preserves, the honey, and mustard on top of the chicken and mix. Turn the heat down to low and put a lid on. Finish cooking the chicken over a low simmer for about 20 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through. Serve over rice with a side salad. 

Interview with Elizabeth Cronin: Emotion Is Temporary, You Will Be Okay

Listen to the complete interview below and sorry for the mic flub up. #podcastrookie

Remember Tim The Toolman Taylor’s wise neighbor from Home Improvement (the amazing 90’s t.v. show)? Elizabeth Cronin is my current day version of Wilson, with a beautiful face I am lucky enough to see over the fence and much better style. She is an interior designer (owner of Abeille Occupeé) and a wonderful Mom. Her kids are older than mine and are absolutely lovely. Emme is 18 and a freshman at NYU, Caroline is 16 and is practically my kids' 2nd Mom, and Hugh is 13 - he is a smart, athletic, nice guy. They all undoubtedly meet the definition of ‘good kids’. Clearly, Elizabeth and her husband (Tim) have done something right. Hear how she creates space for an unconditionally loving, emotionally-focused, open home. She encourages her children to notice the normal, uncomfortable feelings associated with being a kid and remind them that they will always be alright. Emotion is temporary. Elizabeth and Tim encourage curiosity and exploration because they have “a wide safety net under them now”. Without knowing it, they are teaching major lessons in what psychologists call distress tolerance and anxiety management.  And, I’m lucky enough to live next door and learn.

What guides your parenting?

My Mom and mother-in-law. My mother-in-law is more old school, stricter, she raised 7 kids. Our family was different. We travelled a lot, my Dad was a pilot, and we didn’t have family dinners often. We were always on the go. My husband’s family sat down every night with all 7 kids. Because they are so different, it has been really helpful. I’ve gotten a bigger picture of how you can parent. From my mother-in-law, I learned the value of family and how important is to be really close. My parents are younger and they travel a lot. It has been important for me to incorporate that too. Their relationship was the most important thing to them and has been a really good thing for me to see in my own relationship.

In my own family, we have an unwritten theme – take risks and try different things because there is a huge net underneath you when you are young. We are there to catch you and you will be fine. Challenge yourself and do things you might not be comfortable with.

How do you teach that?

In terms of Tim and me, we get so wrapped up in the kids so date nights are important, even just taking a walk after dinner to squeeze in 30 mins of together time.

In terms of parenting, we send the message that it is okay to be uncomfortable. Feel the feeling and do it anyway. Be brave, tolerate the emotion, and push yourself. We do a lot of walking through the scenario (before it happens) and role playing how they might handle the situation. Tim always says the opposite of fear is faith. Faith that things turn out the way they are supposed and you will be okay. Feelings are not facts.  We always let them know, no matter what, there is an unconditional love and support. We aren’t perfect, they aren’t perfect, life isn’t perfect but we are here for you.

What challenges you?

Letting them make mistakes has been hard. I aim not to be the rescuer. If I am always there to fix everything, how will they ever learn? If my kid is uncomfortable, I’m uncomfortable and I don’t want to be uncomfortable so the urge is to go in and rescue. I try to step back and let them live their own lives, make mistakes, and learn there are consequences to their actions.

 What do you do well as a parent?

We create a safe place for them to talk. Openly sharing is very important to us. We don’t have to have the answer, it’s not my role to fix the situation, but we create a space for them to feel what they are feeling, help them navigate through, and remind them that they will be okay no matter what. Always knowing they are okay within themselves.

What advice do you have for new Moms?

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Come from a place of love and give yourself a break. When I look back now, I realize all the smalls things don’t really matter.

What are your thoughts on family dinner?

When the kids were younger, Tim traveled a lot, and we were only together as a family 3-4 nights/week. But, the kids weren’t as busy so it was easier in some way. It didn’t have to be anything gourmet but we would regularly sit down together. As they have gotten older, they have activities. Now, we come together on Sundays. The big crowd pleaser is spaghetti and meatballs.

 Elizabeth’s Meatball and Sauce Recipe

1 lb. of ground beef

½ cup of breadcrumbs (the garlic ones at The Fruit Center are wonderful!)

¼ cup of milk

¼ cup of parmigiana cheese

½ tsp salt

½ tsp pepper

1 egg

2 jars of your favorite pasta sauce

Directions

• 1 Heat oven to 400°F. Line 13x9-inch pan with foil; spray with cooking spray.

• 2 In large bowl, mix all ingredients. Shape mixture into 20 to 24 (1 1/2-inch) meatballs. Place 1 inch apart in pan.

• 3 Bake uncovered 18 to 22 minutes or until no longer pink in center.

• 4 In the meantime, heat the sauce in a large pot.

• 5 Dump the meatballs into the pot and let simmer on low for at least 20 mins but up to a few hours. Season with salt and pepper, if needed. Serve with pasta. 

Interview with Jessica Delaney: It's Not Always Gonna Be Awesome

 Jessica Delaney moved to Milton from Somerville 5 years ago and quickly regretted her decision. Fearing the worst, she immediately felt lonely and isolated. But, after finding friends and a new career – she settled into home. We met shortly after. I’ve always loved Jess' spunk and youthfulness, which makes her feel like being a mom in the 'burbs doesn’t mean being boring and old. Jess' upbeat energy is palpable. She is my go-to friend for parenting support, someone who shares a love of cooking, and the importance of family dinner. She is authentic, not one to sugar coat the challenges of parenting, and brings humor, fun, and style everywhere she goes. And, she began a second career as an architectural photographer after having children and gets regularly published in The Boston Globe, Design New England, Houzz, and other big name design magazines. Read a bit about Jess below and hear the complete interview on the podcast link at the bottom of the page. Enjoy! 

Tell us a bit about yourself.

My children are: 3.5, 7, and 9 – all girls. I joke that I would probably have been a better mother to boys but alas I have all girls so we will see how all that plays out?! And, I am an architectural photographer and started my business after having my first child. I am figuring out how that all fits in to everyday life.  It’s trickier than I was expecting and feel fortunate that I love what I do. All of a sudden I have something I love to do outside of family so trying to find that proverbial balance is tricky!

What guides your parenting?

I always tell my kids to be kind and generous. Have a smile on your face. It is a better way to go out into the world as a rule. It’s the age old thing – treat others how you want to be treated. If you aren’t kind to your sister, something is going to go badly for you in relatively short form.  Karma is tricky! I hope that they present with loving kindness and compassion towards others.

How do you teach that?

I try very hard to teach by example. Do nice things for other people as much as you can. Encourage them to do little things. Also, I try hard to notice when they do the right things. I can be quick to the negative sometimes because I feel I need to teach them that that is not the okay route, but I try to be equally quick with the positive. They know the naughty things. But, they don’t know when they are doing the right things.

What challenges you?

I second guess myself often. We are moving into an older phase and it became a little trickier. As prepared as I thought I was for all the questions – social, puberty etc. – I had in my mind, a certain time that all these questions would come up and expected to have a sit down chat with my daughter. But, it doesn’t work like that. I have to be ready on the fly and I am not! I leave these conversations with my oldest and wonder if I gave too little or too much information?!

About happiness - there are certain aspects of living in a house with 5 people that’s like living with roommates in college. They are going to annoy you and you have to find a way to work around it because you can’t move out and can’t leave college! If you think ‘it’s not always gonna be awesome’, it helps. Happiness can’t be achieved all day everyday although there is a lot of noise from the outside that makes it feel like it should be. 

 What is your strength?

Although I turned 40, I don’t feel a day older than 25! I try to keep a youthful outlook on life – I want to be the Mom that does cannonballs in the pool, backflip off the bridge, and says ‘sure, let’s go rock climbing’ and actually do it. I constantly find the fun in life, because if we can’t be out circumnavigating the world in a boat, I’ll find the 2nd best thing to do in Milton! I’m always up for anything and I want my kids to be up for anything. They don’t seem to know what fear is.

What advice do you have?

It looks like there are some people who can do everything. You can’t. You can do everything at some point, but you just can’t just do it all at the same time.  It is something I have to remind myself of everyday because if I don’t, I don’t get anything done and I spin like a top. I pick one thing for the day. It’s so easy to go astronomical in expectations of yourself. Give yourself more time.

How do you think about family dinner?

It’s really important to me. It’s a bit torturous but I keep telling myself ‘It’s not going to be this way forever’. Food is important and dinner is a really good time to just be there.  And, I want them to like food – all sorts of food and try different things. There are the nights we are eating chicken nuggets and tater tots, and there is the night we enjoy salmon.

Recipe: Jess’ Go-To Meatloaf

1 pound of turkey meat
1/2 - 1 full minced shallot depending on taste
About a cup of breadcrumbs
1 egg
Salt & pepper

For glaze:

1 cup ketchup
1/4 c brown sugar
1-2 tbs Worcestershire

In a bowl mix all ingredients together - clean hands make the best mixing tool!  Form it into a rough oval and place in baking dish.  Cover with tin foil and bake at 350• for about 40 minutes.  Remove foil and glaze the top and put back in for another 10-15 mins.

Enjoy with green beans and roasted baby red potatoes (or fries)!

Let Them Go Back To School Without You: Is It Your Anxiety or Their's?

It's that time of year again. We are well into summer, camps are winding down, and vacations were had. Check that box - summer is almost done. Now, on to the next parental worry - back to school.    

My child is starting at a new school and I wonder: Will he know anybody in his class? Will he have friends? Can he handle the change? Will he meet grade expectation? How hard will this transition be? All of these are normal thoughts and worries but around this time, schools begin to get emails requesting kids have a particular teacher, be in class with a friend, and other special requests. I have heard that schools don't make teacher assignments public until the end of the summer for this particular reason, which seems to be worsening each year. Although we live in the culture of helicopter parenting and we constantly read about how detrimental it is to the long-term self-efficacy and mental health of our children, most of us nod along and don't identify as helicopter parents because we are just like our neighbors and the way we parent is normal compared to them. A polite email to the principal stating why it is important that your child have a certain teacher or be with friends for ‘carpooling purposes’ is exactly what falls under the parameters of helicopter parenting. It's you and me. And these requests are most often made by the extremely well-intentioned and loving parents who are just doing their best in this unknown world, working to help their kid have a 'fair' shot at success. But, what we know in the psychological literature is that this may work for the short-term but this parenting style in the long-term is majorly unhealthy for our kids.

Bestselling author and psychologist Wendy Mogel promotes "good suffering" which includes stepping back and allowing life to unfold for the kid as it would, without parental involvement. Hold the phone when we feel inclined to call the teacher and step back from the keyboard when just wanting to ‘check-in’ with the school. This prepares kids for dealing with more serious disappointments and difficulties that will absolutely and naturally arise in their life. Now is the time to teach them. It is not a skill they can pick up at a camp a few weeks in high school, it is how we raise them every day starting early in life. It is in these moments, the uncertain times of transition and change, that we show our faith in our children’s ability to manage themselves, teach that the world is safe without us, and learn that they will be okay even when faced with disappointment.

Although walking into a kindergarten class to a sea of new faces can be incredibly scary at first, it allows for the opportunity to meet new friends and navigate how to do so. What kindergartner spends the year friendless? None. And, if that does happen, then there will be a time to intervene and help the child brainstorm the problem together, not create the most utopic scenario possible before an issue even arises. The question really is: how do we as parents manage our own anxiety about sending our kids off into the world so as to not get in their way?

Parenting in this day and age has become riddled with an anxious style - always preemptively creating the best case situation for our child. But, unfortunately what we have seen is how this anxiety is becoming internalized in our kids. Dr. Julie Lythcott-Haims writes about this from the perspective of Dean of Freshman at Stanford.  In her book, How to Raise An Adult, Dr. Lythcott-Haims reports that these so called adults come to Standford having achieved high SAT scores, with multiple AP credits, and bearing an application filled with extracurriculars but they don't know how to work out issues with their roommate, accept a B or lower in a class, or deal with unstructured activities. And, worse their coping skills are junk and therefore experience higher rates of depression and anxiety. So, as we move towards September, step back and allow room for you and your child’s normative anxiety. Listen, support, and empathize with your little one but don’t jump to fix the problem. Anxiety is just a feeling that can be tolerated and worked through, not something that needs to be solved. Your child will thank you in adulthood.

 End of Summer Tomato and Watermelon Gazpacho

I found this recipe online at http://www.cannellevanille.com and it has become a staple in my kitchen this summer.

serves 4 to 6

2+ cups diced seedless watermelon

2 medium very ripe tomatoes, diced

1/4 diced small red onion

2 tablespoons almond flour

1 tablespoon red wine vinegar

1 tablespoon olive oil

3/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon finely grated garlic

1 ounce feta cheese, crumbled, for garnish

2 tablespoons olive oil, for garnish

Fresh herbs of your choice, for garnish. I have a ton of mint in the garden and mostly use that both in the gazpacho and as a garnish.

 Puree the first eight ingredients in a food processor or blender. Pour into a pitcher and refrigerate the soup for 1 hour. The soup may be stored in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Stir before serving, as it tends to separate.

Serve the chilled soup with crumbled feta cheese, a drizzle of olive oil, and fresh herbs.

Interview with Sarah Cambria: Love is Trying to Understand Someone Better

You might see a tall, gorgeous blond with a bright smile and two little ones strolling down Canton Avenue and wonder who she is – that is Sarah Cambria, as beautiful on the inside as on the out. In the halls of preschool, you can hear her upbeat voice chatting with passing parents and feel her energy emanating. She regularly says things like, “You are doing a great job with your family! They are beautiful little souls”, and other totally feel good, hippy-dippy, genuine comments that leaves people feeling happier than when she found them. Or, you might see her swaying to her husband’s (Andy) band at Steel & Rye for Bluegrass brunch. And no, she doesn’t spend the morning mediating on how to be a good person, she is in fact is incredibly busy as a senior marketer for C Space, a marketing consulting firm. During her 2-year-old’ (Felix) nap and her 5-year-old’s (Sadie) playdate, we sat in her clean, airy living room and talked about how she supports her children on their journeys and what challenges her as a mother.  

What guides you in your parenting?

From the first time I met my kids and spend time with them every day, I know this is really their journey. They are so themselves and have always been.  It is my job to understand them. A yoga teacher once told me that love is really just trying to understand someone better. I want everyone to feel comfortable with who they are, and when things are tough, for us all to bond together. And, have humor around it. I always say why I am doing something, and try to understand why they are doing something. I do this because, you need to know yourself. You don’t have a lot of control in life around you so if you know why you react in certain ways - it will help guide.

I want them to feel physically supported – touch. I want them to feel that this is a loving world and share that with others. I want them to trust that they have the skills they need, and that the world is going to be safe and beautiful.                                                                                                

How do you cope with the more difficult days?

I try to find those moments when I feel really out of control or overstimulated. Transitions are often hard. In my mind, I am thinking, ‘I have to get to work’. Real life expectations can be challenging. When I feel totally out of control, I act really silly, ridiculously silly. Horribly embarrassing if anyone else saw.  The chances are one of them will laugh and change the energy enough. They call me ‘cooko bananas’.

What challenges you?

The ‘should haves’ are challenging for me. I work full time and wonder what a good mom who works full-time looks like. What does her house look like? What do the holidays look like? Then I start to say, ‘I should do this more’, and that is a really bad place to be. It’s around experience I ‘should’ be creating for my children. For example, I wanted to dye eggs at Easter. I had it all planned out. Felix was going to nap and Sadie and I were going to do it together. I got Felix down for a nap, and I thought ‘This is it. Mommy and Sadie time. This is going to be awesome. These are the memories’. And, I looked in the fridge and there were only brown eggs. I was sick about it. I thought, if I stayed at home, I would have figured this out. And, Sadie was like “These are the most beautiful eggs! They are so gorgeous” and she wanted to display them. My trigger is related to working a lot. Feeling like there isn’t enough hours in the day and I don’t want to cheat my family out of anything. That’s the hardest thing for me.

What would you share with a new parent?

To feel fulfilled as a Mom, find the things that make you feel connected with your kid. Notice when you are smiling. Note that and share it. It’s all in the moments. And if you have one of those moments in the day, it’s enough to get you through.

It’s okay to not know what you are doing. It’s also okay to say to someone I’m trying this and I don’t feel like it’s working. Admit to someone you trust that it’s hard.

Know that balance probably won’t happen in one day.

How do you think about family dinner?

Andy and I share the importance of family dinner. The night my husband isn’t home late from work, we eat as a family, and do a lot of lunch and brunch. We try to make it fun and expose a lot of foods to them. They try to guess what is in the food. We don’t give them a lot of choices. We make one dinner and everyone eats it or they don’t.

You can hear the complete interview on The Raising & Roasting podcast on www.drbobbiwegner.com or Itunes.

Sarah’s Go-To Dinner: Salmon Roasted in Butter

(from Mark Bittman in The New York Times)

Ingredients

4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter

4 tablespoons minced chervil, parsley or dill

1 salmon fillet, 1 1/2 to 2 pounds

Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Lemon wedges

Preparation

1.       Preheat the oven to 475 degrees. Place the butter and half the herb in a roasting pan just large enough to fit the salmon and place it in the oven. Heat about 5 minutes, until the butter melts and the herb begins to sizzle.

2.       Add the salmon to the pan, skin side up. Roast 4 minutes. Remove from the oven, then peel the skin off. (If the skin does not lift right off, cook 2 minutes longer.) Sprinkle with salt and pepper and turn the fillet over. Sprinkle with salt and pepper again.

3.       Roast 3 to 5 minutes more, depending on the thickness of the fillet and the degree of doneness you prefer. Cut into serving portions, spoon a little of the butter over each and garnish with the remaining herb. Serve with lemon wedges.

10 Tips on How to Be a Calmer Parent

Parenting might be the most important job in our lives and yet it can also make us feel the most incompetent and out of control. There is a lot of scientific research in neurobiology and attachment theory that explains how our own childhood experiences influence our brain and therefore shape how we parent. Understanding our own histories helps us raise psychologically healthy, caring, and resilient children. Dr. Dan Siegel, a pediatric psychiatrist, and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed. (a child expert) wrote a wonderfully insightful and helpful book on this topic called Parenting from the Inside Out. Some things to focus on include:

1.Understand the psychological impact of yelling at your children and aim to not do it. I know, this may be extremely difficult since at times since yelling seems to work (at least in the short-term) and other rational approaches may appear to get you nowhere.

2.Understand that your children are their own unique beings and that means they behave in ways that are different and often outside of how we want them to behave, and not necessarily wrong.  

3.Know your own triggers. In psychology, we often talk about how you can’t control anyone’s behaviors but your own, and unfortunately this has truth in parenting as well. There is a misperception that we can control our children but in reality, they are their own beings with their own needs and wants. Notice when YOU feel stressed. The physical signs include increased heart rate, sweating, tension in the shoulders, head pressure, and upset stomach. Some behavioral signs include reaching for that glass of wine, eating for comfort, raising your voice, and speaking quickly. Learn stress management coping skills including relaxation training and thought replacement.

4.When you notice a trigger, get curious without judging. “What about this situation is stressful for me?”, “When have I felt this way before recently or in the past?”, “What are my emotions?” Name the feelings – sad, out of control, overwhelmed, worried about the future, and helpless. “What does this emotional part need in the moment and why?” Imagine that these thoughts and emotions are outside of yourself and analyze them. For example, I notice there is a part of me that feels frustrated and overwhelmed. One part feels frustrated that the kids are being so loud and won’t stop. And the overwhelmed part feels overstimulated by the noise and just wants quiet. Begin to notice the parts that reoccur and ask when these parts came about in your life? What is the function of these parts and when in your life were they helpful? Are they still useful? I think of it as understanding the whole team of parts that make up your personality. Dr. Richard Schwartz has done extensive work in the area of working with our varied parts, called Internal Family Systems - http://selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html

5.Prioritize your own self-care. A wise friend once told me to take the extra 5 minutes to shave my legs not too long after having my third baby. Great advice. Get some exercise, even if it is a short walk. Prioritize sleep – it is more important than staying up to watch your favorite show. Care for yourself through the food you eat – find a way to sneak nutritious food in. I find it easiest to make a green juice in the morning and get it out of the way before the day starts.

6.Remind yourself that leading by example is always the best and has the most impact on our children. Practice patience and compassion when in disagreement with your children or partner. With my kids, I find it easiest to do something super silly when things escalate; this often derails the anger and gets a chuckle out of the kids. We come back to the topic later when everyone is calmer.

7.Keep expectations of yourself and your children realistic. Is it realistic for me to feel calm when I have committed to shuttling the kids between 3 different activities? Is it realistic for me to expect my 2.5-year-old to sit in her seat for 2 hours at a fancy dinner out? Practice setting realistic expectations and aim to minimize chaos.

8.Understand the family patterns repeat themselves unless we consciously change them. This is often easier said than done and seeking professional help may be the best thing you do for yourself and your family.

9.Avoid power struggles. Don’t get sucked into arguing with your child. It goes nowhere and reinforces negative behavior. The best policy is often to walk away and come back to the issue when you and the child are calmer.

10.Stay in the here and now. Psychologists often say depression is remaining in the past, and anxiety is living in the future. Stay here. What feels best for you and your child in the moment. Any experienced parent will remind you that most things as ‘phases’ and will pass. It is easy to worry about our child’s future and who they might be and what they need to learn to get there – throw that irrational thought out the window.  A good life is just a series of good days strung together. 

Embracing the Beautiful and Challenging Parts of Your Emerging Child: Piano Man

The radio was on full blast and Cam and I rode to his friend’s birthday party fist pumping and head banging on a rainy Saturday. Tunes like ‘We Will Rock You’, ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’, and ‘White Wedding’ rang out. I felt simultaneously connected to Cam and my past, and enjoyed bridging that gap through music. Cam was majorly head bobbing and melodiously stumbling over made-up words as he sang. Next, Piano Man came on. I belted out the song and encouraged Cam to listen the story being told. Deep into Piano Man, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a sullen face on the verge of tears. I felt surprised as I was filled with joy. When I asked how he felt, Cam toppled over, hid his face, and said “I miss Ralph” (our deceased dog of 4 years). Clearly, he deeply empathized with the lonely souls in Piano Man and did not understand the emotion he felt.

Over the years, I realized Cam is sincerely empathic and caring – something I am incredibly proud of. It is a wonderful quality but his little heart pumps like a race car engine in a Toyota’s body.  He often feels things he can’t yet understand and his mind works hard to match the feeling with experience. “I miss Ralph” has become his default explanation for unexpected sadness or sorrow he can’t place. My job as a Mom is not to distract him from the emotion or guide him towards happiness but rather to help him understand himself by empathizing and validating his experience – “I wonder if you feel sad because you can really imagine what those people are feeling. That is a true gift and I love that about you. You deeply connect with people and that is very special.”  

It has taken me time to understand this side of Cam. When he was younger, he would sometimes get overwhelmed in larger groups (usually at our house), and act out. I mistakenly responded to the behavior without putting it in context. Looking back, I now realize he was incredibly attuned to the social dynamic and flooded with emotion. Not too long ago, he told me he had a classmate who would periodically cry and every time that happened he would say, “I get a funny feeling in my belly. I feel embarrassed and sad at the same time for her and want her to stop” – he didn’t understand how to interpret the physical sensations of emotion.

I write about this experience because it took me time to interpret Cam in this way and it highlights that that all of our children have aspects of themselves they do not yet comprehend. Part of our job as parents is to help our little ones decode who they are, assisting in creating a self-narrative. Look to the surprising and often frustrating behavior as a clue to what this is for your child. Step back from the behavior and really ask yourself what your child needs in the moment – what is the unexpressed emotion? How is this reflective of their personality? Help the child put language to the emotion and experience. And, remember your child is a different person than you and their story is unique.

Israeli Couscous with Feta, Almonds, Onions, Parsley, Cranberries, and Lemon Zest

This is a solid, go-to recipe in our house. It is one that I can throw together and keep it in the fridge as a simple meal after a busy day. Often times, I will grill a piece of meat or fish and eat it alongside, or just enjoy it by itself! On this particular day, I picked up feta and other fantastic Greek food at Greek International Food Market in West Roxbury on the way home from the birthday party. It is amazing!

 ½ cup Israeli Couscous (bigger version of couscous)

1 ¾ cup of chicken broth

1 Tbs. Butter

1-2 Tbs. Olive Oil

1 Small-Medium Onion

1 Bay Leaf (if you have it)

½- ¾ cup of feta cheese (or goat cheese)

½ - ¾ cup of slivered almonds (can get from the Fruit Center, or small piece of any nut)

2 Tbs. Chopped Parsley

Zest of 1 lemon

½ Tsp. Salt, Pepper to taste

Melt the butter and olive oil over medium heat in a Dutch Oven or large pot. Add the onion and cook until soft and translucent. Add the nuts. Turn up the heat a touch and add the couscous, toast until just a little browned (about 2-3 mins). Add the broth, salt, and bay leaf and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down to low, put a lid on the pot, and simmer until liquid is absorbed and couscous is tender – think about cooking it like al dente pasta as to not overcook and create a mush. Remove from heat, let cool for 10 mins. or so and add the parsley, lemon zest, feta, and more salt, and pepper to taste.

How to Mindfully Manage a Pile of Parenting Poop

As I applied the last stroke of mascara on Easter morning, I felt proud and pleased. I was dressed, the house was clean and ready for the guests after church, the boys were waiting in their matching outfits, and the only task left to do was stick Eve in her dress. For the first time in a long time, we would not have to apologetically skulk down the side aisle of church 20 minutes late into a 45-minute mass. I extrapolated and thought “Mark and I finally figured this out”, “The kids are a little older and this can be the new norm”, and other such overgeneralizations that made me happy. I strode out into the hallway to find Eve and IT happened - my freshly washed foot, barely protected by new, thin stockings fell squat into a pile of warm poop. Squishy, human poop. (Insert dry heave here). Like an injured hound following a scent, I briskly limped to the bathroom where I found Eve, proudly working hard to finish the task she started. And, just like that, the new calm evaporated and we would be late per usual.

What a perfect representation of parenthood – no matter how organized and on top of things you are, sometimes it all goes to poop – and it’s okay. Yes, I had to shower Eve (and my foot), clean up the hallway, and find new stockings, making us more rushed than I would have liked, but I worked really hard to notice the negative thoughts I was having (“We can’t be late”, “Why are we always late”, “Why am I always the one organizing our family”) and let them go. They are just thoughts, no more, no less. Radical acceptance of the fact I stepped in a pile of caca - there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I had a choice – 1) be angry and frantic, or 2) laugh about it, put a little hustle in our step, and realize nobody but me cares that we would be 10 minutes late. Option One would inevitably trickle downstream, eliciting tears and frustration from the kids and adults alike, so I picked Two. And, it worked well enough – which is all we can ask for when managing a small army of people. We tiptoed in to St. Elizabeth’s, nobody looked twice, and we were back on stride. Letting go of the stress and tension that can often accompany holidays, especially when I host, made the day much more enjoyable and created a warm memory for us all (one associated with positive feelings of family and sweets). Thought replacement is often easier said than done but try to:  1) pick a new thought that is accurate, realistic, and creates a calmer feeling (“I did the best I could and it is okay if we are a little late”), 2) keep it simple, and 3) repeat it (even if you don’t completely buy it), while you breathe slowly.  The day was wonderful, not perfect, but really nice. Despite my mushy toes, I called it a win.

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Super, Easy Red Pepper Jelly & Cream Cheese Appetizer

1 brick of cream cheese

½-1 jar of red pepper jelly (Stonewall Kitchen has one and it’s available at The Fruit Center, or Trader Joe’s Hot and Sweet Chili Jam is nice)

Crackers – I prefer the little toast crackers for this recipe. They look like mini slices of bread.

Literally, 1) open the cream cheese, 2) place it on a pretty little plate, 3) dump ½-1 jar of the jam on top, and 4) serve with the little toasts around it. Such a fast and simple appetizer addition to any holiday!

*This article is part of my column, Raising & Roasting, in The Milton Times.

Social Support and Me

This article is the first in my new column in The Milton Times, Raising & Roasting. It is about parenting, psychology, and family, friendly food.     

Social support is one of the strongest predictors of health outcomes, including quality of life and general well-being. This is often explored in psychological research. Although I always knew having friends and community was important, I never appreciated it more than when I had my first child. Naively, I thought, I am a clinical psychologist, I work with kids and parents, and I babysat regularly in younger years ‘so I’ll be fine.’ And, I generally was, but being a mother challenged me on a whole new personal level. I discovered sides of myself that I didn’t know existed – parts that were insecure, angry, impatient, and sometimes lonely. We had recently moved back from N.Y.C. and though I grew up in town and my family was here, most of my friends were elsewhere. Thankfully, I met a few wonderful Mums when my son started at The Village School; these ladies became my parenting backbone. Sharing the highs and lows with them helped me enjoy this beautiful, tumultuous ride through commiserating, validating, and normalizing.

This column is a way for us all to share in the joy and challenge of child rearing, providing an honest look behind the curtains of our neighbors’ homes. I will interview parents across Milton. Before I air someone else’s dirty laundry (so to speak), I feel it is only fair to go first and answer the same questions.

What is your name and how many kids do you have?

My name is Bobbi Oldfield Wegner and I have a husband and 3 kids (7, 5, and 2). I grew up in Milton, moved away, and returned 6 years ago.

How do you define yourself as a parent?

We aim to create large, clear boundary of what is acceptable/non-acceptable behavior and allow lots of freedom in between. We want our kids to learn how to think on their own, be independent, empathic, and compassionate (a good sense of humor is icing on the cake).

What are you proud of?

I am proud that my kids are kind hearted, empathic, and relatively adventurous eaters for their age.

What has been the most challenging?

Acknowledging that I get frustrated, angry, and impatient. I am way more impatient than I previously thought. And, I yell more than I am proud of – the kids know this is what I am "working on" and that we all have our growing points.

What would you want to share with a new parent out there? Any helpful tips?

Let go of the embarrassment and shame that sometimes comes along with parenting. I’d say most of what we see in our kids is normal. I vividly remember my son biting a friend when he was 3 years old. I overreacted and banished him to his room for way too long for his age. I acted out of embarrassment and lack of understanding. My daughter (and third child) also was a "biter" briefly and I didn’t bat an eye. By ignoring (and not reinforcing this behavior with attention), it seemed to pass much more quickly.

What do you like about raising your family in Milton and what do you wish was different?

I love the support we found here. And, I love we can ski, hike, walk to good restaurants, and feel like Milton has moved from a sleepy, little town to one of vibrancy and access.

What is your favorite, family friendly recipe?

Lentil Soup with Bacon and Herbs (adapted from Bon Appetit, 1996)

½ cup chopped onion

1/2 cup chopped celery

1/2 cup chopped carrot

½ packaged of bacon, chopped

2 teaspoons minced garlic

7 cups (or more) canned chicken broth

2 cups dried lentils (about 12 1/2 ounces)

2 large fresh thyme sprigs or 1/2 teaspoon dried

1 bay leaf

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

2 tablespoons chopped chives or green onions

Preparation

1. Combine onion, celery, carrot, bacon and garlic in heavy Dutch oven. Stir over medium-high heat 2 minutes. Reduce heat to medium-low; cover and cook until vegetables are tender, about 7 minutes. Uncover; add 7 cups broth, lentils, thyme and bay leaf and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered until lentils are tender, stirring occasionally, about 45 minutes. Discard thyme sprigs and bay leaf.Transfer half of soup to processor (or not, I often skip this step and opt for chunkier soup); cool slightly. Puree until smooth. Return puree to Dutch oven. (Can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cover and refrigerate.) Bring soup to simmer, thinning with more broth, if desired. Season soup to taste with salt and pepper. Combine parsley and chives in small bowl. Ladle soup into bowls. Sprinkle parsley mixture over and serve.

Panic!: Am I Ruining My Kids with The Screen?

A recent NY Times article ('Screenagers', What to Do About Too Much Screen Time ) successfully evoked complete worry and feelings of motherly inadequacy in one quick read. Although some might say my 5 and 7 year olds meet D.S.M. criteria for Minecraft Obsession (and I am less than enthused about it), I waffle between firm rules around playing and a laissez faire approach. I feel completely mixed. There is a part of me that knows too much screen time is unhealthy and can negatively impact our kids' moods, attention, impulsivity, and generally deprive them of good ole' fashioned play and fresh air (which is most important to me). I hate to say that I do sometimes see adverse consequence in the short term (i.e. when Ty bursts into tears after asking him to turn off Xbox); I know they are at a particularly vulnerable time in brain development, so my fear around doing long term damage is exacerbated by articles like this one. But, I try to follow my intuition, especially in parenting. When I am strict about Minecraft, I feel virtuous knowing I can tell our pediatrician we are within the screen time recommendation, nonetheless it does come at a cost. As you know, I have three young, ACTIVE children. They need free time to do what they enjoy and I need kid-free time to get things done or take space for myself. This does not seem to happen if they are coloring, doing a puzzle, or another preferable activity.

What has worked for me thus far is remaining attuned, communicative, and flexible. Some days the kids use more screen time than others. Oh well. Although I always feel a little twinge every time they ask for an IPad or sit down in front of Xbox, I think that reflects a ‘should’/’should not’ rather than the fact that they are actually doing something wrong. Guidelines are important. But, they are guidelines. Look to your children.

Ask yourself: How old is the child? Are they active? Do they get enough exercise? Do that have other interests other than t.v. and video games? How is their mood and behavior in general and after they use? How are they doing in school? Is their behavior generally normative for their age? How are they using the screen? Not all screen time is created equal – what are they watching? Do they use screen time to compensate in uncomfortable situations or cope with difficult emotions? Are they socially connected?

It is important to kick these questions around in the back of your mind, but ultimately turn inward and follow your gut. Listen to your answers and make an individual decision, depending on your child. Unfortunately and fortunately, technology is a part of our reality and we need to define usage as we go. You are a consumer and valuable participant in this broad, social experiment. Get active, be thoughtful, look to your children, and make a decision for yourself. Let go of the shame and guilt we too often feel as parents.