The Real-Life Story of Inclusion Man: Josh Ricciardi

I remember the day so vividly. Josh’s Mom had an ultrasound and I babysat him as she ran into Boston for an appointment; nothing out of the ordinary. But, when she came home, I knew something was wrong. I could see it on her tear strewn face. After hearing about the appointment, it was clear that there was a good chance ‘the baby’ (now known as Reese) had Down Syndrome. As a sister and future aunt, it felt confusing and unexpected.

My eldest sister (Amy) had severe intellectual disabilities and our family spent much time in the world of “special needs.” Having Amy as a sister was fundamental in my life, and she is a huge part of why I am a clinical health psychologist and child advocate. But, that was my life and my experience, and now, completely coincidentally, my young niece and nephews (Josh being one of them) might have a similar path.

My Mom used to always say people look at Amy and feel scared, curious, and even pity but what they didn’t realize is “what a blessing she is to our family”, which was so true although at times unclear. Yes, having a family member with severe disabilities was not easy, and my Mom devoted her entire life to Amy’s care, but as a sister, the positive impact she had on me was unquantifiable. Our relationship was the most influential one of my life.

Reese was born in June of 2010 and blessed the family with her presence as she grew from a beautiful, perfect little baby to a vibrant little girl who is now in first grade. In her short few years, she is already making an impact, especially on her big brother - Josh. Josh, now a 6th grader at Pierce, is a big fan of his little sister whose love turned him into a local advocate, unbeknownst to him. Josh told me, “Reese is a smaller than most 7-year-old girls, but she is funny and is always nice. All she wants is to be friends with everyone she meets. She makes me smile and laugh.”

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This past spring, Josh won a contest for writing a story called ‘Inclusion Man.’ In this story, a young boy named Mickey (who has Down Syndrome) was bullied throughout his life but grew into a savvy engineer who built a magical suit that stops kids from being bullied. Mickey evolved from a victim of bullying to a super hero named Inclusion Man (IM). IM detects kids in trouble and flies to the scene to stop the victimization through talking with the kids.

Josh, I feel you. Imagine if we could actually build this suit and empower kids to speak up and say something? To end the cycle of bullying? To protect our most vulnerable children? To just talk with the bullies directly and share how their behavior makes others feel? The thing is – you have done this. Through your empathy, kindness, and thoughtfulness, you have spearheaded a movement of inclusion by sharing your own story.  You spoke up, when it would be easier to say nothing. You are Inclusion Man. And you are inspiring our town to step up too and focus on the importance of inclusion. You are an everyday hero, and an inspiration to not only me, but our town.

Because your story is so important, many adults are listening and coming together to promote it. Through the generosity of Bill Resnick and Proforma, Inclusion Man t-shirts were made and will be given to children who exemplify empathy, kindness, and inclusion. These shirts are also available for purchase and 100% of the proceeds go to Best Buddies, an organization that is near and dear to your heart.  If you see kids walking around with IM t-shirts, know they care, and have the same hope for kindness and inclusion as you. We will be wearing them with pride.

To all the members of the town, let’s support this beautiful idea. Let’s follow Josh and all be Inclusion Man in our own way. Let’s speak up for the most vulnerable kids in our community. Look for the t-shirts at local events or email Bill Resnick for more information on getting t-shirts as prizes for inclusion in your program william.resnick@proforma.com

And thanks Josh, you are quite a kid, and the best brother a girl could ask for. I can’t wait to see where you go. This is just the beginning. Xoxo – Aunt Bobbi     

This first ran in The Milton Times, May 2018

The Importance of Doing for Others: This Season and Every Season

The other weekend, my family and I raised money and participated in the Best Buddies Friendship Walk in Milton (https://www.bestbuddiesfriendshipwalk.org/). As I stood packed in a diverse crowd with my three little ones in front of me, we listened to the stories of people with intellectual, developmental, and physical disabilities.     

There was something about being with my children at this important event, listening to the heartfelt and sometimes painful stories of others, and the positivity in the air that moved me to tears. The feeling of connection and empathy overwhelmed me as we danced with a community of strangers and as I answered questions from my children about others (i.e. “why did the boy who sang the National Anthem sound different?”).  It felt like there was nowhere else in the world more important to be in that moment. Although I would like to say I was flooded with gratitude and giving, honestly my family received so much more than we offered.

I am no stranger to the world of special needs. My eldest sister and roommate until high school, was born with severe intellectual and physical disabilities. Some of my earliest memories were of visiting her in Children’s Hospital after she had a rod put in her back. I vividly remember the metal crown screwed into her oozing skull that attached her to a chair in attempt to straighten her back. The scars left in her temples lasted a lifetime. I would bring Crayola colored pictures of the two of us that hung in her hospital room and she would happily share the hospital meal of the moment. As a child, I did not know any different. Amy often had surgeries or medical appointments. Now, as an adult and a mother, I cry as I think about all that my sister endured. Before she even entered the world, she had drawn the shortest straw that played out for the 45 years she lived. Although our mother always highlighted the positive of having Amy as a sister and focused on what an impact she made on our lives, it is hard not to notice the cost. I weep for the lost possibilities, the lost life experiences, and the lost years.  

Amy and Ty, a few weeks before Amy died. 

But, my Mum is right.  Unintentionally, Amy taught me to notice how privileged I am – a generally healthy, white, financially stable person living in a safe community. And, it is my duty to use my positioning to help others and to help raise helpers. I am committed to never losing this perspective. I am devoted to making this world a better place for all the people out there, like Amy or others. My life is not perfect, but there is always someone who suffers more than me. 

A thriving and healthy community depends on people to put the common good before their own. If you ask parents what is important, many would say that they want their kids to be ‘kind and caring.’ Unfortunately, our messaging to our children does not match with our intentions. A Harvard study found that out of 10,000 youth surveyed, 80% say that achievement or happiness is their parents’ top priority, while only 20% say caring for others is most important (http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/files/gse-mcc/files/mcc-infographic.pdf?m=1448057567). Youth are three times more likely to agree with this statement, “My parents are prouder if I get good grades than if I am a caring community member.” Sadly, we are missing the boat with our children in this regard. But, as the holidays approach this is the time to get focused and begin a practice of giving back, this season and all seasons. There is never going to be enough time or the right moment, but capitalize on the gratitude around the holidays to begin a habit of giving. You are training future adults. 

Things to think about:

-    What organization or community is most meaningful to you? You are more likely to commit to something that you have an emotional connection to. 

-    As a parent, ask yourself how you are modeling caring behavior? How can you be better at this? Take the extra moment to hold the door for someone, give to the homeless person, bring food to the local shelter ( http://miltonfoodpantry.org/, http://www.feedingamerica.org/find-your-local-foodbank/?referrer=https://www.google.com/).

-    Connect with a local agency like a hospital, school, or social service program (http://www.miltonhelpinghands.org/index.html).

-     What language do you use around being kind and caring? Everyday ask you child, how they were kind or caring at school? Ask if anyone was kind or caring to them at school? 

-    Ask children, were there moments they could have been kind and caring but weren’t? What got in the way? Think about other potential action steps.

-    Teach kids to stand up for those who are vulnerable. Help connect them to the feelings in their body that occur when someone might need a friend or someone to stick up for them (i.e. butterflies in the belly, racing heart etc). 

More and more, I realize how small the world is and how many people need our help. Let’s join together to be the helpers, building a community of kind, caring, and responsible children right here in Milton. Let’s be the change. I promise, we will all reap the benefits. Happy holidays. Published in The Milton Times last week. 

Super Simple Bread - My Kids Love It

Adapted from https://www.mymundaneandmiraculouslife.com/foodie-fridays-easy-peesy-french-bread/

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Ingredients

•    1½ cups warm water

•    1 tablespoon honey

•    1½ teaspoons salt

•    1 tablespoons Active Dry Yeast (I prefer Red Star)

•    3½ - 4½ cups flour

Instructions

1.    Combine water, honey, salt and yeast. Let sit for 10 mins until there is a foam on top.

2.    Knead in flour until no longer sticky.

3.    Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Plop dough on a greased cookie sheet and form into a tube shape. Cover with a lightly damp towel. Let it sit for 20-30 mins, or even a bit longer. 

4.    Cut 3 diagonal slits in the top and bake for 15-20 mins. I use convection bake and it makes for a crusty crust. 

Folding Sunglasses are Cool but Empathy is Cooler: An Unintentional Tale of Exclusion and Privilege

The day was energetic, exciting, and bursting with school pride. As a parent, my heart beamed with joy and happiness as I watched my boys run endless laps around the gymnasium as music blasted; they ran hard to do their part in raising money for a new playground. The unity in the room was pulsing and palpable. Seeing kids come together to raise money for their school was tear-inducing. The principal danced in the middle to pop music and teachers and students tirelessly ran, side by side with parents and siblings cheering and high fiving from the side lines. Little kindergarten girls with bobbing pony tails kindly held hands and walked with my niece, who has Down Syndrome, as classmates whizzed by. Exhausted kids fell and were hoisted back up by supportive classmates. It was a beautiful event and one that met the imagined picture of what I want school to be for my children. One I both hope for and feel so incredibly grateful to have. I left Glover with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. The sun seemed to shine brighter. People say you are only as happy as your saddest child. My heart beamed that day. So, when I picked my second grader up at school, I was surprised to see a sad, little, red face holding back tears behind foggy glasses. Cam immediately asked if I had recorded his pledges into the computer. PANIC! But, thankfully we had. Before he ran home alone, Cam briefly explained that only he and a couple other kids in the class were not called to receive various prizes after the run. His kindergarten brother had the same experience. As his friends buoyantly compared loot, Cam ran ahead and immediately went up to his room to hide in his bed and cry. He wanted to be left alone.

I was left feeling like, “WTF”. I was there. The day was joyous. What happened? I sat with a bit of sadness and a lot of confusion for my little guy.  I heard Cam weeping in his room. The boys did pledge money (although they had not turned the check in yet), and the site said it wasn’t due until the following week. My Mama Bear part wanted to call the school and have a good ‘talk’ with someone about the injustice and inequality in this. Aside from my kids temporary feeling of exclusion, what about the kids who might not be able to contribute? Kids who can’t ask caregivers or family members for one reason or another? It ignores kids without socioeconomic privilege, a group that is already chronically marginalized. My sadness turned to anger.

 I sat a bit longer. I resisted the impulse to blame someone or shoot off a fiery email. And, I thought more. After calming down, mostly because Cam calmed down after a good cry and a thoughtful talk, I went on to think ‘who excludes just a few kids in a classroom?’. Clearly, it was not their lovely, thoughtful teachers so I assumed it must have been the organization that came to host. An example of good intention focused on the goal of raising money for the school (and themselves), that created an unintentionally exclusive environment.

But, like any emotion, the fiery wave passed and I put this experience into a bigger picture. If I assume good intentionality and good enough reason on the school’s part, I asked myself: what can we learn from this? I realized that despite reading and writing a lot about backing off your kids and giving them opportunity for failure and ‘healthy suffering’, it is a difficult urge to resist. I learned my emotions are tightly tied to my children’s emotions, and I often feel the need to act or respond rather than just sit and listen. I also realized there was real opportunity in this for my boys that I might undo it in trying to change the natural course of action. And, I know rewarding financial contribution in young kids is a total set up for those less fortunate and I will raise this with the principal one day; as a person of privilege, it is my responsibility to speak up.  

So instead, Cam and I talked about how the feelings he felt weren’t really about the crappy sunglasses or flimsy Frisbee he did not get - it was about feeling excluded and ignored. The sadness that overcomes the soul and the despair that creeps up when you know you worked just as hard as everyone else yet you are denied the prize. In a developmentally appropriate way, we talked about how the feeling of exclusion might not be familiar to him as a little boy who was born into lots of privilege. He has a loving family, lives in a safe neighborhood, has all his basic needs met, has many friends, is generally healthy, and has loads of other privilege (never mind that he is a white male…. which is beyond his young understanding). And, with that comes a responsibility. That feeling he felt, other kids often feel. I spoke to the sadness, anger, and loneliness I felt as a little girl when someone would point, laugh, or exclude my sister who had severe developmental disabilities.  I encouraged him to remember that feeling he felt and always look around to notice who is left out or is being ignored. Notice who is excluded in situations - there is often someone. It is our responsibility to notice, empathize, and act. It is a privilege to be in the helper position and it is part of his duty as a member of our family. Cam seemed to understand on some basic level. He intently listened. I know this is something that we will constantly need to revisit and help him develop.

At the end of the day, The Fun Run did not end how I would have hoped but the day was generally beautiful and there was something to be learned. As a Mom, I learned it is difficult and valuable to sit back. The boys connected with a feeling of exclusion, which (thankfully) they don’t regularly face, and which will hopefully help them grow into advocates and allies for their classmates and peers. We both learned that pausing, talking, and processing is so much more valuable than receiving a chintzy prize that will eventually break and be tossed aside. Well, that is debatable. My boys would probably still opt for the folding sunglasses rather than an emotional talk with Mom but one day I have faith they will understand as these conversations continue. They will reap the benefits of being an empathic person long after the glow runs out of the bracelet. 

How to Raise Empathic PARENTS (and Kids)

Just like you, the love I have for my children is ferociously and unconditionally deep. Not all moments are happy, but the good ones satisfy my soul.

A freshly bathed baby viscerally and immediately transports me back to fond memories. When my oldest quietly shares a private feeling, it hooks me in. When my middle son’s eyes transform into tiny slits, and he lets out a hysterical giggle, his youthful joy is contagious. And my youngest, she gives the best bear hugs. Her love emanates through her little chubby arms that can barely wrap around my neck. I luxuriate in the warmth.

I live for these moments of love and connection. You know these feelings, too. We’re all connected through the common experience of unyielding and jarring love. We’re also connected by the moments of difficulty, uncertainty, and frustration.

Unfortunately, we often lose sight of these commonalities and find ourselves judging and criticizing each other. I frequently hear, “That Mom should not let her kid…” and “I would never…” as if they somehow know best about another person’s reality.

We focus on points of differentiation, creating distance, hostility, and loneliness in an already draining parenting culture. We use our personal take on parenting to assess and judge other’s behavior rather than to share in the many points of mutual understanding – those hugs and those days you feel like you’re losing your mind.

Parenting is hard enough. Let’s apply some basic psychological practice and assume a non-judgmental, empathic stance – not only for our own good, but also to model empathy for our children. Research shows people behave best when they feel supported and good about themselves. Parents thrive and are free to raise the healthiest children possible when they don’t feel judged for their decisions (good or bad). Making mistakes is an organic way humans learn.

Recently, on my town’s community Facebook page, a resident posted “a friendly reminder not to leave a child unattended in a car” after she saw a toddler buckled in a car seat down the block from a coffee shop while the parent presumably got a coffee. A storm of judgment erupted.

“Should have taken a picture and really shamed her…bad parent.”

“I probably would have called 911.”

“It was extremely negligent. I would teach the parent an important lesson. Inexcusable.”

This pinned a modern day scarlet letter to the minivan with the young, unattended child. The comments unleashed the punitive reprisal of an unforgiving, middle-upper-class community, and read as a threat to other parents to not step away from their children or else.

Ironically, the act of leaving a child in the car to run a quick errand is obviously contentious, but NOT illegal in Massachusetts. And although many people may feel that the child was in grave danger, the statistics don’t support that.

Violent crime rates have decreased since the 1970s, for both children and adults. According to the FBI, violent crime is at a historic low. NPR reported on how we have come to judge parents for putting their children at perceived, but unreal risk.

The irony is that a child is much more likely to experience a dangerous event like choking (1/3,408, The National Safety Council) or be killed in a motor vehicle accident (1/113, The National Safety Council) than he would be kidnapped by a stranger (.00016%, according to U.S. Census Report in 2000; 1.6 children per 1,000,000).

Harvard law blogger, Phillip Greenspun, cites a U.S. Justice Report and states that it would take an average of 26,000 years of a child sitting alone in a parking lot before that child would be kidnapped by a stranger – and 50 percent of these children would be returned.  

The intention of this essay is not to debate whether this was a sound decision or not, but rather to highlight the intense judgment present right here in my own town. Much attention has been paid to the divisiveness of our country, but clearly thrives in our educated, progressive town as well.

Most often, the criticism is unintentional and automatic – casual comments about neighbor’s choices made in a few quick clicks on a public forum, spewing judgment that you’d probably never hear in person. We often feel justified when it comes to ‘the best interest of the child,’ but that view is unempathetic and short sighted. It creates a hostile environment where people parent out of fear. This is dangerous.

In therapy, we know telling someone how to behave is pointless. It creates a space where secrets live, negative feelings pervade, and bad things brew. We need to pause, step back, and think about how we contribute to our culture. Are you behaving in a way that is consistent with your overall belief in caring compassion? Do you want to raise empathic children? I am sure your answer is a resounding yes.

A large, 30-year study from the University of Michigan found that we are raising kids who are significantly less empathic than prior generations. College-aged kids were deemed 40 percent less empathetic than their peers 30 years ago. How can we teach empathy if we don’t model it? Do as I say, but not as I do? Let’s begin with empathy and kindness at home and in our towns.

Think about all the ways you feel connected to the mother in question on the Facebook thread. Focus on how she is relatable, how you can relate to her. How can you help, rather than judge? Could you wait around to make sure the kid is safe rather than quickly calling the police?

I am sure that mother loves her child as ferociously and unconditionally as you love yours. She hugs and snuggles, laughs and plays, just like you. She is there, present and unyielding, just like you are.

Practice empathy. Practice love. Practice acceptance. That is good parenting. It is healthier for you, and your children. And it builds a better future for us all. 

First published on www.parent.co

Creamy Feta Dressing

Adapted from Kathy Gunst

1/3 cup feta cheese, plus ¼ cup feta

1/3 cup buttermilk

1/3 cup sour cream

1/3 cup scallions, chopped

Salt and Black Pepper

In a Cuisinart or with an immersion blender, blend 1/3 cup of feta, the buttermilk, and sour cream. Add the remaining 1/4 cup feta cheese — don’t mash it — and the scallions, salt and a generous grinding of black pepper. Taste for seasoning. The dressing needs to be refrigerated for about 30 minutes before using to thicken and let the flavors come together. Makes about 1 cup and tastes great over chopped romaine hearts or given in ramekins for kids to dip carrots in. 

How to Raise Compassionate Kids: Psychologists, Healthcare Providers, Educators and Parents Weigh In

I collaborate with NBC News’ Education Nation and write and edit content for their website, www.parenttoolkit.com, which is a great resource for all parents looking for help navigating their child’s journey from pre-kindergarten through high school. Health and Wellness, Social-Emotional, and Academic guidelines are given for each grade. Last week, I hosted an hour-long Twitter chat (#ToolkitTalk) for Education Nation with Dr. Maurice Elias, Professor and the Director of the Social-Emotional Learning Lab at Rutgers University. The topic was How to Raise Compassionate Kids. Many parents, educators, and healthcare providers wrote in to discuss the topic and here are some of the most important take home points. But first, what is compassion? Compassion is empathy in action. It is to feel someone’s feeling and act upon it with the goal of providing relief to the person

- Help your kids notice the ‘caring’ feelings inside their body. When do they notice it? How do they respond to it? Help kids connect to this feeling and act on it.

- The best parents teach compassion to their kids early. Making compassion a core value serves the child and the world.

- We build kids’ compassion first by asking them to notice how others seem to be feeling in different situations. By kindergarten, kids should have the capacity to experience care, concern, or sadness when classmates are troubled.

- Teaching your kids to accept others can help build their social-emotional learning skills. Teach your child about diversity by explaining to him that people are different, and everyone is equal. Make it concrete by asking how he would feel if all his toys were the same or all his crayons were the same color?

- Express your curiosity for those who are different. Help your child view others as enriching not as dangerous or to be feared.

- Research shows that compassionate kids are happier, emotionally connected, and have more friends. Compassion helps others and it serves the child.

- Process with kids what GETS IN THE WAY of acting compassionately. Empathize and validate and brainstorm ideas together.

- Ask your child two ways people were helpful to her during the day and how she was helpful to others to highlight acts of kindness EVERYDAY.

- Self-compassion is also important and kids learn this via modelling. Teach self-compassion by practicing self-compassion as a parent. When parents make a mistake, own it rather than hide it and say “oh well, those things happen sometimes” and move on.

- We cannot always end, heal, or stop the suffering we see but simply pausing to recognize the suffering of others in extremely meaningful and important in building compassion.

- Compassion is indispensable for effective leadership and learning.

- When kids disagree, how can parents teach kids to be compassionate anyway? We do too much either-or reasoning with kids and with each other. We need more “both-and” kind of thinking and talking. Help kids notice competing parts–one part wants to scream and another wants to act compassionately. Help them mediate these competing voices.

- Accept that you can’t force compassionate behavior on your child. Empathize with the child’s feelings if they don’t want to act compassionately in the moment. Pause. Come back to it later and process the feelings underneath the behavior.

- Most importantly, model compassion. Start at home. Treat your family compassionately. Prioritize it. Talk about it daily.

- Another good resource on the topic is Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project (http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/)

You can read more at www.drbobbiwegner.com or read the complete Twitter chat @EducationNation or @drbobbiwegner

Candy Cookies to Share with Friends

Adapted from Dinner: A Love Story

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened

3/4 cup sugar

3/4 cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large eggs

1 1/2 cups of chocolate chips or any of your favorite candy, crushed, or both! We use chocolate chips, peanut butter cups, and toffee candy bars. 

Preheat oven to 375° F.

Combine flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in chocolate and candy. Drop rounded tablespoons of dough onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.