How to Handle End of Summer Jitters

Summer vacation is winding down and school is fast approaching.  In June, our children could barely wait to put away their backpacks away and spend their days free but now as summer months pass by and camps end, many kids are complaining of being bored and parents are noticing increased irritability. Kids and parents alike rely on structure to help guide the day and more importantly, manage mental health issues like depression and anxiety. As a Mom, I see my kids’ (and my own) anxiety rise when visions of relaxing unstructured summer days quickly morph into the reality of grumpy children kicking around the house saying, “I’m bored” or “Can I use the iPad?”. Many parents know that feeling and are left scrambling to squeeze their child into a last-minute camp or activity to fill the time. And as a clinical psychologist, I often see kids of all ages whose depression and anxiety peak into much more serious clinical presentations when the structure of the day is gone. Structure holds kids and allows them to feel safe, knowing what to expect throughout the day and the week. Although it is crucial for children to have unstructured, free time each day, it is important for there to be some routine and structure (however you define it) to help children manage their emotions. Parents and children should sit down and discuss end of summer plans, how much time is left until school, and how the family will spend time until that point. Kids need to know what to expect.

Things to consider:

-        Know your child. Is your child someone who does better with structure or unstructured time?

-        Create structure somewhere and communicate it. Children do better when they know what to expect and understand the overall plan.

-        Structure doesn’t have to mean committing to camps or formal activities but it can include doing expectable activities like reading in the afternoon, attending regular events (story hour at the library on Wednesdays), and having regular days to play with friends.

-        Although it is not vital, many children do best when they participate in some organized activity.

-        Make sure your child is getting plenty of time to: eat, sleep, read, and play - with peers, with family, alone, and outside.     

-        Begin to lay the expectation that school is starting. It makes the transition smoother.

-        Collaborate with friends and neighbors and each take half a day to host a structured activity.

Symptoms to look out for:

-        Loneliness. Often, when children lose structure, they can become socially isolated and lonely, which can lead to poor mental health. Stay tuned in to whether your child is maintaining regular, healthy social contact with peers.

-        Social comparison, also known as ‘F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out)’ Our children are constantly bombarded with regular images of their peers at various social events, leaving our children feeling excluded and sad. Help children manage these emotions by helping them understand their feelings, put the images in context, and respond in a healthy way.   

-        Increased anxiety. Many people (especially children) experience increased anxiety when structure is lost. Look for symptoms of irritability, excessive worry, preoccupation, trouble sleeping (sleeping), change in appetite (more or less), change in energy (more or less), trouble concentrating and physical symptoms (belly aches, headaches).

-        Increased depression. Look for irritability, anger, feelings of hopelessness, apathy, sadness, social withdrawal, increased crying, changes in sleep/appetite/energy, and physical symptoms (i.e. somatic complaints).

-        Increased screen time. Often children turn to the screen (television, computer, or video games) to help manage boredom. Although this moderate screen time is reasonable, excessive screen time can create other psychological and physical issues. See the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines for suggestions (https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/american-academy-of-pediatrics-announces-new-recommendations-for-childrens-media-use.aspx).

-        If you are concerned about your child, call your insurance company or search www.psychologytoday.com to see a list of local clinicians.

Let Them Go Back To School Without You: Is It Your Anxiety or Their's?

It's that time of year again. We are well into summer, camps are winding down, and vacations were had. Check that box - summer is almost done. Now, on to the next parental worry - back to school.    

My child is starting at a new school and I wonder: Will he know anybody in his class? Will he have friends? Can he handle the change? Will he meet grade expectation? How hard will this transition be? All of these are normal thoughts and worries but around this time, schools begin to get emails requesting kids have a particular teacher, be in class with a friend, and other special requests. I have heard that schools don't make teacher assignments public until the end of the summer for this particular reason, which seems to be worsening each year. Although we live in the culture of helicopter parenting and we constantly read about how detrimental it is to the long-term self-efficacy and mental health of our children, most of us nod along and don't identify as helicopter parents because we are just like our neighbors and the way we parent is normal compared to them. A polite email to the principal stating why it is important that your child have a certain teacher or be with friends for ‘carpooling purposes’ is exactly what falls under the parameters of helicopter parenting. It's you and me. And these requests are most often made by the extremely well-intentioned and loving parents who are just doing their best in this unknown world, working to help their kid have a 'fair' shot at success. But, what we know in the psychological literature is that this may work for the short-term but this parenting style in the long-term is majorly unhealthy for our kids.

Bestselling author and psychologist Wendy Mogel promotes "good suffering" which includes stepping back and allowing life to unfold for the kid as it would, without parental involvement. Hold the phone when we feel inclined to call the teacher and step back from the keyboard when just wanting to ‘check-in’ with the school. This prepares kids for dealing with more serious disappointments and difficulties that will absolutely and naturally arise in their life. Now is the time to teach them. It is not a skill they can pick up at a camp a few weeks in high school, it is how we raise them every day starting early in life. It is in these moments, the uncertain times of transition and change, that we show our faith in our children’s ability to manage themselves, teach that the world is safe without us, and learn that they will be okay even when faced with disappointment.

Although walking into a kindergarten class to a sea of new faces can be incredibly scary at first, it allows for the opportunity to meet new friends and navigate how to do so. What kindergartner spends the year friendless? None. And, if that does happen, then there will be a time to intervene and help the child brainstorm the problem together, not create the most utopic scenario possible before an issue even arises. The question really is: how do we as parents manage our own anxiety about sending our kids off into the world so as to not get in their way?

Parenting in this day and age has become riddled with an anxious style - always preemptively creating the best case situation for our child. But, unfortunately what we have seen is how this anxiety is becoming internalized in our kids. Dr. Julie Lythcott-Haims writes about this from the perspective of Dean of Freshman at Stanford.  In her book, How to Raise An Adult, Dr. Lythcott-Haims reports that these so called adults come to Standford having achieved high SAT scores, with multiple AP credits, and bearing an application filled with extracurriculars but they don't know how to work out issues with their roommate, accept a B or lower in a class, or deal with unstructured activities. And, worse their coping skills are junk and therefore experience higher rates of depression and anxiety. So, as we move towards September, step back and allow room for you and your child’s normative anxiety. Listen, support, and empathize with your little one but don’t jump to fix the problem. Anxiety is just a feeling that can be tolerated and worked through, not something that needs to be solved. Your child will thank you in adulthood.

 End of Summer Tomato and Watermelon Gazpacho

I found this recipe online at http://www.cannellevanille.com and it has become a staple in my kitchen this summer.

serves 4 to 6

2+ cups diced seedless watermelon

2 medium very ripe tomatoes, diced

1/4 diced small red onion

2 tablespoons almond flour

1 tablespoon red wine vinegar

1 tablespoon olive oil

3/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon finely grated garlic

1 ounce feta cheese, crumbled, for garnish

2 tablespoons olive oil, for garnish

Fresh herbs of your choice, for garnish. I have a ton of mint in the garden and mostly use that both in the gazpacho and as a garnish.

 Puree the first eight ingredients in a food processor or blender. Pour into a pitcher and refrigerate the soup for 1 hour. The soup may be stored in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. Stir before serving, as it tends to separate.

Serve the chilled soup with crumbled feta cheese, a drizzle of olive oil, and fresh herbs.