The Blog
10 Tips on How to Be a Calmer Parent
Parenting might be the most important job in our lives and yet it can also make us feel the most incompetent and out of control. There is a lot of scientific research in neurobiology and attachment theory that explains how our own childhood experiences influence our brain and therefore shape how we parent. Understanding our own histories helps us raise psychologically healthy, caring, and resilient children. Dr. Dan Siegel, a pediatric psychiatrist, and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed. (a child expert) wrote a wonderfully insightful and helpful book on this topic called Parenting from the Inside Out. Some things to focus on include:
1.Understand the psychological impact of yelling at your children and aim to not do it. I know, this may be extremely difficult since at times since yelling seems to work (at least in the short-term) and other rational approaches may appear to get you nowhere.
2.Understand that your children are their own unique beings and that means they behave in ways that are different and often outside of how we want them to behave, and not necessarily wrong.
3.Know your own triggers. In psychology, we often talk about how you can’t control anyone’s behaviors but your own, and unfortunately this has truth in parenting as well. There is a misperception that we can control our children but in reality, they are their own beings with their own needs and wants. Notice when YOU feel stressed. The physical signs include increased heart rate, sweating, tension in the shoulders, head pressure, and upset stomach. Some behavioral signs include reaching for that glass of wine, eating for comfort, raising your voice, and speaking quickly. Learn stress management coping skills including relaxation training and thought replacement.
4.When you notice a trigger, get curious without judging. “What about this situation is stressful for me?”, “When have I felt this way before recently or in the past?”, “What are my emotions?” Name the feelings – sad, out of control, overwhelmed, worried about the future, and helpless. “What does this emotional part need in the moment and why?” Imagine that these thoughts and emotions are outside of yourself and analyze them. For example, I notice there is a part of me that feels frustrated and overwhelmed. One part feels frustrated that the kids are being so loud and won’t stop. And the overwhelmed part feels overstimulated by the noise and just wants quiet. Begin to notice the parts that reoccur and ask when these parts came about in your life? What is the function of these parts and when in your life were they helpful? Are they still useful? I think of it as understanding the whole team of parts that make up your personality. Dr. Richard Schwartz has done extensive work in the area of working with our varied parts, called Internal Family Systems - http://selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html
5.Prioritize your own self-care. A wise friend once told me to take the extra 5 minutes to shave my legs not too long after having my third baby. Great advice. Get some exercise, even if it is a short walk. Prioritize sleep – it is more important than staying up to watch your favorite show. Care for yourself through the food you eat – find a way to sneak nutritious food in. I find it easiest to make a green juice in the morning and get it out of the way before the day starts.
6.Remind yourself that leading by example is always the best and has the most impact on our children. Practice patience and compassion when in disagreement with your children or partner. With my kids, I find it easiest to do something super silly when things escalate; this often derails the anger and gets a chuckle out of the kids. We come back to the topic later when everyone is calmer.
7.Keep expectations of yourself and your children realistic. Is it realistic for me to feel calm when I have committed to shuttling the kids between 3 different activities? Is it realistic for me to expect my 2.5-year-old to sit in her seat for 2 hours at a fancy dinner out? Practice setting realistic expectations and aim to minimize chaos.
8.Understand the family patterns repeat themselves unless we consciously change them. This is often easier said than done and seeking professional help may be the best thing you do for yourself and your family.
9.Avoid power struggles. Don’t get sucked into arguing with your child. It goes nowhere and reinforces negative behavior. The best policy is often to walk away and come back to the issue when you and the child are calmer.
10.Stay in the here and now. Psychologists often say depression is remaining in the past, and anxiety is living in the future. Stay here. What feels best for you and your child in the moment. Any experienced parent will remind you that most things as ‘phases’ and will pass. It is easy to worry about our child’s future and who they might be and what they need to learn to get there – throw that irrational thought out the window. A good life is just a series of good days strung together.
The Importance of Family Dinner: Past, Present, and Future
Frequently, it feels like a masochistic, self-torture ritual, and other days, it is parenting utopia - that is family dinner with 3 young children. Growing up on a farm, in a woodsy, beautiful neighborhood had many perks. I rode around Hillside Street on my blue banana seat bike and had regular ink berry fights with the boys down the road. But when 6pm hit, my Mum rang the old cow bell and all 7 of us would run to the round kitchen table. My Dad (who owned Thayer Nursery) rose from the field and the rest of us scrambled to the table, hoping to get a “seat on the outside” - a suppertime golden ticket to avoid being squished by siblings on the bench against the window. My Mum always prepared a well-rounded meat-and-potato-type meal and I ate what I felt like. Buttered rice and corn were always my favorite and there was not pressure to eat the spinach. It was a little loud and hard to get a word in, but it felt easy. Regardless of the day, the table was set, the cow bell rang, and a hot meal was served at 6pm. If the phone rang during supper, there was no way it was to be answered. Dessert tempted us from the counter and we indulged only after everyone finished their meal. When our bellies were stuffed (or not), the plates were cleared and everyone picked a cleanup chore to tackle. It was simple and expected. No questions asked, no debate. I imagine many people have a similar story. So, where did we diverge? Why have we moved away from family dinner as a culture? Why is it chaotic? What the heck happened!? Granted, I was born almost 10 years after my closest sibling so I might have missed the anarchy phase or have a completely idealized memory, but very few of my current day, family dinner experiences resemble the ease of my childhood supper. Sigh.
I am sure this is at least a moderately romanticized picture of my childhood but I know there is truth in this memory. Family dinner was simply “supper”, not anything special to announce we were eating together as a unit. It was part of the fabric of life, a beat in the rhythm of the day. I wish this was the case in my own home now. Instead, it is something I work at, research, and write about; an activity I enjoy on a good day, and one that burns me out the next. The psychology journals tell me that my future adolescents will be less likely to use drugs, have lower rates of depression and anxiety, and perform better in school because we eat dinner together, and I buy into that, but I sit with my kids over a meal mostly because it just feels right in my gut. So, I mentally committed to cooking and eating together most of the week (+/- husband), and as long it is feasible given the day. After reading a lot about this subject and practicing the routine, dinner has gotten easier for a few reasons: 1) I changed my expectations, 2) I always have something everyone will eat, and 3) my kids continue to get older. After listening to a nutritionist speak at preschool, I learned that little ones really do not need to eat much to get nourished. As long as they try everything (even a tiny bite), they are free to eat what they want from their plate. But, if they have to eat at least some meat or veggie to get dessert. I don’t stress about quantity much. I gave up the power struggle of forcing a certain intake each meal. Secondly, if I prepare a more adventurous dinner, I always have baguette and cheese or romaine with homemade ranch dressing as well (both crowd pleasers). As long as they take a nibble of the new food, they are free to eat what they want. And lastly, what I can’t control, and ultimately don’t want to rush, is that all of this has proven itself to get better as my kids grow up. Each month, it seems that nanoseconds increase between feisty little hands reaching out and touching one and another. Refer to #1, change expectations.
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At the end of the day, I know my family dinners won’t be an exact replica of supper on Hillside Street for many different reasons, but mainly because it is a different era. Although I sadly do not have a cow bell and unfortunately always know where my kids are, the fundamental element remains the same – it is vital to take reliable and consistent time for each other, to nourish our bodies, and bring pleasure to the family through food. There is no right way to ‘do’ family dinner except to just do it in your own beautifully, unique way.
Mum’s (Marge Oldfield’s) Throwback Stringy Chicken
(originally from Campbell Soup)
1 1/4 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1 can of Condensed Tomato Soup
1/2 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning or dried oregano leaves, crushed
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
½ - 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese or 1 fresh mozzarella ball sliced
3 cups cooked rice or pasta
Heat the oven to 400°F.
Place the chicken into an 11 x 7 x 2-inch baking dish. Stir the soup, Italian seasoning and garlic powder in a medium bowl. Spoon the soup mixture over the chicken.
Bake for 20 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through. Sprinkle the chicken with the cheese. Serve the chicken and sauce with the rice or pasta.
Interview with Moria Flynn Riordan: Cultivating Gems at Work and Home
While she is best known for her super hip and gorgeous jewelry boutique (M. Flynn), Moria Flynn Riordan spends her time outside of the store managing a whole other team: 6-year-old Jack, 5-year-old Paddy, and 2-year-old Maggie. Over a glass of white wine and while our combined 6 kids disappeared somewhere in the house, Moria and I sat on the floor of my living room and chatted about her experience adding 3 kids to an already busy life, the ups and downs of trying to make it through the day flexibly, and what she really hopes for as a full-time, working mom.
Tell me a little about yourself:
I am a mother to 3 children – 2 boys (6 y/o and 5 y/o) and a daughter (2.5 y/o). I also have a store in the South End of Boston (M. Flynn) that I run with my sister. I am just trying to keep it all together!
What are the top three things you want your kids to learn as they grow?
I am always trying to promote independence (which is hard, especially with the first). Confidence. I always like the idea of flexibility – I want them to go into new situations and be comfortable with new people.
How Do You Put that into Practice?
In controlled environments, I try to give them more independence. Last night, we were out to dinner and I let the boys go to the bathroom by themselves. In terms of flexibility, I try to introduce them to new people and change things up (i.e. camps and activities). The confidence part comes from both of these. I think if they can be empowered to do things on their own, then the confidence comes as a result. I don’t know, I am feeling it all out! It’s an experiment!
What are some things you are proud of?
I am proud when I see the boys being kind or gentle to their sister or to other people. Treating others well and treating each other well makes me proud. Ultimately, I want them to be good people and be conscience of others. And honestly, in the day to day, if everyone has pants on and ready to get out of the door, I count it as a win!
What challenges you?
There are so many moving pieces and that’s hard. Every fall, my kids put their pants on and they are all too short. Keeping up with that, sports, medical, and everything is challenging! Ha. I just found out I forgot my 5-year old’s yearly physical. It was just off my radar! Just keeping everything together is a daily challenge. And, I have a lot of guilt about mealtimes. Sometimes I just make p.b.& j. because that’s all I have in me. Like a lot of mothers, I am working at 100% capacity, so if something goes wrong, if stick gets caught in the spoke, it kinda throws me for a loop. Just keeping everyone straight is a goal.
What would you share with a new parent?
Give yourself a break. There aren’t any rules with parenting. Just do your best. And secondly, Mom needs to take of herself because nobody is okay if you aren’t okay. And, let your kid go, let them explore. Everything you need to know, you learn on the playground. The less you can intervene as a parent, the better.
Moria’s Go-To Dinner: Orecchiette with Sausage and Roasted Peppers
(Adapted from Martha Stewart)
2 Medium Red Bell Peppers (seeded and cut into quarters)
2 Medium Yellow Bell Peppers (seeded and cut into quarters)
1 lb. orecchiette or short pasta
2 tsp. olive oil
1 lb. sweet Italian sausage, removed from casing (Moria uses Applegate Chicken Sausage)
1 TBS. butter
1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese
Preheat boiler. Place the peppers, skin side up on a foil-lined baking sheet. Broil until charred, 18-20 minutes. Transfer to a large bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and let sit 2-3 minutes. Using a paper towel, rub off the skins, reserving any juices in the bowl. Thinly slice the peppers and place them back in the bowl with the juice. Set aside.
Cook the pasta until al dente and reserve ½ cup of pasta water.
Heat the oil in a large skillet. Cook the sausage (breaking it up with a spoon if it is real sausage) or just until browned. Add the roasted peppers and cook until heated through.
Transfer the sausage to a large bowl, add the pasta, butter, pasta water, and parmesan. Season with salt and pepper. Serve!
Embracing the Beautiful and Challenging Parts of Your Emerging Child: Piano Man
The radio was on full blast and Cam and I rode to his friend’s birthday party fist pumping and head banging on a rainy Saturday. Tunes like ‘We Will Rock You’, ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’, and ‘White Wedding’ rang out. I felt simultaneously connected to Cam and my past, and enjoyed bridging that gap through music. Cam was majorly head bobbing and melodiously stumbling over made-up words as he sang. Next, Piano Man came on. I belted out the song and encouraged Cam to listen the story being told. Deep into Piano Man, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a sullen face on the verge of tears. I felt surprised as I was filled with joy. When I asked how he felt, Cam toppled over, hid his face, and said “I miss Ralph” (our deceased dog of 4 years). Clearly, he deeply empathized with the lonely souls in Piano Man and did not understand the emotion he felt.
Over the years, I realized Cam is sincerely empathic and caring – something I am incredibly proud of. It is a wonderful quality but his little heart pumps like a race car engine in a Toyota’s body. He often feels things he can’t yet understand and his mind works hard to match the feeling with experience. “I miss Ralph” has become his default explanation for unexpected sadness or sorrow he can’t place. My job as a Mom is not to distract him from the emotion or guide him towards happiness but rather to help him understand himself by empathizing and validating his experience – “I wonder if you feel sad because you can really imagine what those people are feeling. That is a true gift and I love that about you. You deeply connect with people and that is very special.”
It has taken me time to understand this side of Cam. When he was younger, he would sometimes get overwhelmed in larger groups (usually at our house), and act out. I mistakenly responded to the behavior without putting it in context. Looking back, I now realize he was incredibly attuned to the social dynamic and flooded with emotion. Not too long ago, he told me he had a classmate who would periodically cry and every time that happened he would say, “I get a funny feeling in my belly. I feel embarrassed and sad at the same time for her and want her to stop” – he didn’t understand how to interpret the physical sensations of emotion.
I write about this experience because it took me time to interpret Cam in this way and it highlights that that all of our children have aspects of themselves they do not yet comprehend. Part of our job as parents is to help our little ones decode who they are, assisting in creating a self-narrative. Look to the surprising and often frustrating behavior as a clue to what this is for your child. Step back from the behavior and really ask yourself what your child needs in the moment – what is the unexpressed emotion? How is this reflective of their personality? Help the child put language to the emotion and experience. And, remember your child is a different person than you and their story is unique.
Israeli Couscous with Feta, Almonds, Onions, Parsley, Cranberries, and Lemon Zest
This is a solid, go-to recipe in our house. It is one that I can throw together and keep it in the fridge as a simple meal after a busy day. Often times, I will grill a piece of meat or fish and eat it alongside, or just enjoy it by itself! On this particular day, I picked up feta and other fantastic Greek food at Greek International Food Market in West Roxbury on the way home from the birthday party. It is amazing!
½ cup Israeli Couscous (bigger version of couscous)
1 ¾ cup of chicken broth
1 Tbs. Butter
1-2 Tbs. Olive Oil
1 Small-Medium Onion
1 Bay Leaf (if you have it)
½- ¾ cup of feta cheese (or goat cheese)
½ - ¾ cup of slivered almonds (can get from the Fruit Center, or small piece of any nut)
2 Tbs. Chopped Parsley
Zest of 1 lemon
½ Tsp. Salt, Pepper to taste
Melt the butter and olive oil over medium heat in a Dutch Oven or large pot. Add the onion and cook until soft and translucent. Add the nuts. Turn up the heat a touch and add the couscous, toast until just a little browned (about 2-3 mins). Add the broth, salt, and bay leaf and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down to low, put a lid on the pot, and simmer until liquid is absorbed and couscous is tender – think about cooking it like al dente pasta as to not overcook and create a mush. Remove from heat, let cool for 10 mins. or so and add the parsley, lemon zest, feta, and more salt, and pepper to taste.
How to Mindfully Manage a Pile of Parenting Poop
As I applied the last stroke of mascara on Easter morning, I felt proud and pleased. I was dressed, the house was clean and ready for the guests after church, the boys were waiting in their matching outfits, and the only task left to do was stick Eve in her dress. For the first time in a long time, we would not have to apologetically skulk down the side aisle of church 20 minutes late into a 45-minute mass. I extrapolated and thought “Mark and I finally figured this out”, “The kids are a little older and this can be the new norm”, and other such overgeneralizations that made me happy. I strode out into the hallway to find Eve and IT happened - my freshly washed foot, barely protected by new, thin stockings fell squat into a pile of warm poop. Squishy, human poop. (Insert dry heave here). Like an injured hound following a scent, I briskly limped to the bathroom where I found Eve, proudly working hard to finish the task she started. And, just like that, the new calm evaporated and we would be late per usual.
What a perfect representation of parenthood – no matter how organized and on top of things you are, sometimes it all goes to poop – and it’s okay. Yes, I had to shower Eve (and my foot), clean up the hallway, and find new stockings, making us more rushed than I would have liked, but I worked really hard to notice the negative thoughts I was having (“We can’t be late”, “Why are we always late”, “Why am I always the one organizing our family”) and let them go. They are just thoughts, no more, no less. Radical acceptance of the fact I stepped in a pile of caca - there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I had a choice – 1) be angry and frantic, or 2) laugh about it, put a little hustle in our step, and realize nobody but me cares that we would be 10 minutes late. Option One would inevitably trickle downstream, eliciting tears and frustration from the kids and adults alike, so I picked Two. And, it worked well enough – which is all we can ask for when managing a small army of people. We tiptoed in to St. Elizabeth’s, nobody looked twice, and we were back on stride. Letting go of the stress and tension that can often accompany holidays, especially when I host, made the day much more enjoyable and created a warm memory for us all (one associated with positive feelings of family and sweets). Thought replacement is often easier said than done but try to: 1) pick a new thought that is accurate, realistic, and creates a calmer feeling (“I did the best I could and it is okay if we are a little late”), 2) keep it simple, and 3) repeat it (even if you don’t completely buy it), while you breathe slowly. The day was wonderful, not perfect, but really nice. Despite my mushy toes, I called it a win.
Super, Easy Red Pepper Jelly & Cream Cheese Appetizer
1 brick of cream cheese
½-1 jar of red pepper jelly (Stonewall Kitchen has one and it’s available at The Fruit Center, or Trader Joe’s Hot and Sweet Chili Jam is nice)
Crackers – I prefer the little toast crackers for this recipe. They look like mini slices of bread.
Literally, 1) open the cream cheese, 2) place it on a pretty little plate, 3) dump ½-1 jar of the jam on top, and 4) serve with the little toasts around it. Such a fast and simple appetizer addition to any holiday!
*This article is part of my column, Raising & Roasting, in The Milton Times.
Social Support and Me
This article is the first in my new column in The Milton Times, Raising & Roasting. It is about parenting, psychology, and family, friendly food.
Social support is one of the strongest predictors of health outcomes, including quality of life and general well-being. This is often explored in psychological research. Although I always knew having friends and community was important, I never appreciated it more than when I had my first child. Naively, I thought, I am a clinical psychologist, I work with kids and parents, and I babysat regularly in younger years ‘so I’ll be fine.’ And, I generally was, but being a mother challenged me on a whole new personal level. I discovered sides of myself that I didn’t know existed – parts that were insecure, angry, impatient, and sometimes lonely. We had recently moved back from N.Y.C. and though I grew up in town and my family was here, most of my friends were elsewhere. Thankfully, I met a few wonderful Mums when my son started at The Village School; these ladies became my parenting backbone. Sharing the highs and lows with them helped me enjoy this beautiful, tumultuous ride through commiserating, validating, and normalizing.
This column is a way for us all to share in the joy and challenge of child rearing, providing an honest look behind the curtains of our neighbors’ homes. I will interview parents across Milton. Before I air someone else’s dirty laundry (so to speak), I feel it is only fair to go first and answer the same questions.
What is your name and how many kids do you have?
My name is Bobbi Oldfield Wegner and I have a husband and 3 kids (7, 5, and 2). I grew up in Milton, moved away, and returned 6 years ago.
How do you define yourself as a parent?
We aim to create large, clear boundary of what is acceptable/non-acceptable behavior and allow lots of freedom in between. We want our kids to learn how to think on their own, be independent, empathic, and compassionate (a good sense of humor is icing on the cake).
What are you proud of?
I am proud that my kids are kind hearted, empathic, and relatively adventurous eaters for their age.
What has been the most challenging?
Acknowledging that I get frustrated, angry, and impatient. I am way more impatient than I previously thought. And, I yell more than I am proud of – the kids know this is what I am "working on" and that we all have our growing points.
What would you want to share with a new parent out there? Any helpful tips?
Let go of the embarrassment and shame that sometimes comes along with parenting. I’d say most of what we see in our kids is normal. I vividly remember my son biting a friend when he was 3 years old. I overreacted and banished him to his room for way too long for his age. I acted out of embarrassment and lack of understanding. My daughter (and third child) also was a "biter" briefly and I didn’t bat an eye. By ignoring (and not reinforcing this behavior with attention), it seemed to pass much more quickly.
What do you like about raising your family in Milton and what do you wish was different?
I love the support we found here. And, I love we can ski, hike, walk to good restaurants, and feel like Milton has moved from a sleepy, little town to one of vibrancy and access.
What is your favorite, family friendly recipe?
Lentil Soup with Bacon and Herbs (adapted from Bon Appetit, 1996)
½ cup chopped onion
1/2 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped carrot
½ packaged of bacon, chopped
2 teaspoons minced garlic
7 cups (or more) canned chicken broth
2 cups dried lentils (about 12 1/2 ounces)
2 large fresh thyme sprigs or 1/2 teaspoon dried
1 bay leaf
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons chopped chives or green onions
Preparation
Combine onion, celery, carrot, bacon and garlic in heavy Dutch oven. Stir over medium-high heat 2 minutes. Reduce heat to medium-low; cover and cook until vegetables are tender, about 7 minutes. Uncover; add 7 cups broth, lentils, thyme and bay leaf and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered until lentils are tender, stirring occasionally, about 45 minutes. Discard thyme sprigs and bay leaf.Transfer half of soup to processor (or not, I often skip this step and opt for chunkier soup); cool slightly. Puree until smooth. Return puree to Dutch oven. (Can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cover and refrigerate.) Bring soup to simmer, thinning with more broth, if desired. Season soup to taste with salt and pepper. Combine parsley and chives in small bowl. Ladle soup into bowls. Sprinkle parsley mixture over and serve.
Panic!: Am I Ruining My Kids with The Screen?
A recent NY Times article ('Screenagers', What to Do About Too Much Screen Time ) successfully evoked complete worry and feelings of motherly inadequacy in one quick read. Although some might say my 5 and 7 year olds meet D.S.M. criteria for Minecraft Obsession (and I am less than enthused about it), I waffle between firm rules around playing and a laissez faire approach. I feel completely mixed. There is a part of me that knows too much screen time is unhealthy and can negatively impact our kids' moods, attention, impulsivity, and generally deprive them of good ole' fashioned play and fresh air (which is most important to me). I hate to say that I do sometimes see adverse consequence in the short term (i.e. when Ty bursts into tears after asking him to turn off Xbox); I know they are at a particularly vulnerable time in brain development, so my fear around doing long term damage is exacerbated by articles like this one. But, I try to follow my intuition, especially in parenting. When I am strict about Minecraft, I feel virtuous knowing I can tell our pediatrician we are within the screen time recommendation, nonetheless it does come at a cost. As you know, I have three young, ACTIVE children. They need free time to do what they enjoy and I need kid-free time to get things done or take space for myself. This does not seem to happen if they are coloring, doing a puzzle, or another preferable activity.
What has worked for me thus far is remaining attuned, communicative, and flexible. Some days the kids use more screen time than others. Oh well. Although I always feel a little twinge every time they ask for an IPad or sit down in front of Xbox, I think that reflects a ‘should’/’should not’ rather than the fact that they are actually doing something wrong. Guidelines are important. But, they are guidelines. Look to your children.
Ask yourself: How old is the child? Are they active? Do they get enough exercise? Do that have other interests other than t.v. and video games? How is their mood and behavior in general and after they use? How are they doing in school? Is their behavior generally normative for their age? How are they using the screen? Not all screen time is created equal – what are they watching? Do they use screen time to compensate in uncomfortable situations or cope with difficult emotions? Are they socially connected?
It is important to kick these questions around in the back of your mind, but ultimately turn inward and follow your gut. Listen to your answers and make an individual decision, depending on your child. Unfortunately and fortunately, technology is a part of our reality and we need to define usage as we go. You are a consumer and valuable participant in this broad, social experiment. Get active, be thoughtful, look to your children, and make a decision for yourself. Let go of the shame and guilt we too often feel as parents.
What is mindfulness?
There is a lot of pop culture hype around mindfulness. But, what is it actually? Mindfulness is the awareness that comes from paying attention to something on purpose, in real time, without judging. Our thoughts and attention will inevitably get taken away, but mindfulness is bringing that attention back to the present moment and noticing what is happening now. By doing so, we become in touch with our life as it happens rather than feeling like we are chronically on autopilot, which is often the case in modern day society. Whether it is parenting or working outside of the home, most of us run from activity to activity from to-do to to-do, without much attention or appreciation for the experience we are in. For me, I often have that feeling that if I am doing one thing, I know I am not doing something else. If I am riding scooters with my kids on the patio, I know dinner is not being made, work calls not returned. I have come to find that quality trumps quantity. If I can fully and mindfully immerse myself in the experience of play, in the moment, hearing the laughs, and watching the joy, I feel calmer and more connected to myself and to my children. It is not to say that dinner doesn't have to be made or calls not returned, but most often it can wait a minute. I find that if I am fully aware and engaged in the present experience, both the children and I feel more satisfied, and it is easier to completely step into the next activity. I feel the most stressed and notice the kids calling for my attention more when I am straddling multiple activities at once, like playing and making dinner. It seems like I am not quite giving anyone or anything what they need. We all feel worse because of it.
I think people are often intimidated by meditation or mindfulness. It can sound a little exotic or off beat but it can be quite simple to integrate some basic mindfulness skills into everyday life without much training. Quite literally, just start to pay attention to the moment. I often teach my kids basic mindfulness exercises and it is very simple. As you walk, notice as many sounds as you can. Without judging or interpreting. Just notice. Name them and notice. You may want to also notice colors. Or sensations in the body. Or thoughts. You can attend or notice anything. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing and seeing what you see. There is a part of me that lives inside the body and mind and just watches - the observer, the mind's eye. As I watch experiences unfold, I breathe, allowing the breath to become slower and more relaxed. Deeper. Calmer. Allowing the muscles to become loose, and soft, and comfortable. And, the breathe slower. I step into this perspective easily and readily though out the day. It does not have to happen at any particular time or place, but rather weaved into the fabric of the day. I practice mindfulness and move on, whatever that means. However, the more mindful I am, the more I find myself practicing. The calmer I feel. The calmer the kids feel. The calmer the house is.
Parenting Mindfully in Chaos
I work late on Tuesdays and this past one, I arrived home around 7:30pm. When I opened the door, I heard the kids in the kitchen and a "yay, mommy's home", which filled me with love and excitement to see my chickadees. I dropped my bag and headed into the kitchen to be met with "can you buy more ice cream" from one kid, and noticed how the other had decorated his entire face with a Permanent Gold Sharpie, like everywhere. The babe was toddling around, smiley and adorable, and understandably wanting to cling to me (given I had not seen her much that day). Very quickly, that initial love and excitement was masked by hunger, fatigue, and the need to get the kids to bed - immediately. I quite literally started calculating how long it would take to scrub Ty's face with some probably toxic, abrasive fluid to get the marker off, eat dinner, and get three kids to bed (hopefully with a book or two under their belt). Often on Tuesdays, I eat something quickly and not great for me and rush through dinner and bedtime. This week, instead, I decided to practice what I preach - an exercise in mindful parenting.
I often practice mindfulness at times that are easier - walking by myself, snuggling with Eve when she is sleepy and happy to be held, or lying with the boys before they fade away into their own dreams. Mindful parenting when it's chaotic, I am tired and hungry, and when the kids are tired and hyper is a different story. But, I tried. Knowing that success is measured in increased awareness and ability to come back to the breath when thoughts take me elsewhere, and not necessarily in some perfect state of trance and relaxation I picture Buddha accomplishing in a serene garden (although that would be amazing). So, I sat - in the busy kitchen, with Eve on the table in front of me nibbling on my dinner, and with Tyler (who was oblivious to the fact he was absolutely covered in permanent marker) lapping his ice cream happily and messily at the island. I breathed. And, I ate mindfully. More slowly. Noticing the tastes and sensations. Not quite as focused as I would have liked but more aware then I generally would have been. In slowing down, I noticed the love and energy I felt when I first arrived home. The warmth. Aware that we were sitting as a family (minus a few members), in our cozy home with each other. I gave up on worrying that Eve was on the table (I was right there and she was safe) and instead I noticed how much she enjoyed my turkey meatballs. Cam returned to the kitchen and ended up engaging Eve (who is 17 months old) in some form of tag. To hear her deep giggle and see his pure adoration of her was beautiful. These are the moments I know I will miss one day. This picture lasted for a relatively short amount of time but I have to say, I enjoyed it more than most of my Tuesday evenings. By giving up on a rigid bedtime schedule and need to control the kids' behavior, I actually gave us all space to get what we needed and we all behaved better because of it. My shoulders relaxed, my dinner tasted good, and I enjoyed my children. The kids were loud, messy, and happy. Ty went to bed that night with marker all over his face, and Cam and Eve went down unremarkably although a tad later than usual.
Sometimes I feel like I am running to the end of some imaginary finish line. Rushing. Racing. Working hard. Stepping back from the natural frenzy of parenting and life, I realize that finish line is flexible and can be moved depending on the flow of the day. Some days, it needs to come sooner than others but other times, like Tuesday evening, it was okay to extend the race at a more reasonable and comfortable pace, and we were all better off because of it.
Raising Free Range Chickadees: Questioning How We Parent as a Culture
Last night my husband and I had dinner with great friends, one happens to be a colleague and a dead-on psychologist, and the other is her amazing husband. For the record, I am also a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety and stress management. On some generic cultural rating system, the four of us would be deemed relatively successful adults (never been to jail, have jobs, try to do the right thing, yada yada yada) although we all bore the well-earned bumps and bruises from growing up in times when we were allowed to fumble our way through childhood. We had loving, well-intentioned parents and came from 'decent families' (whatever that means) and were also given the opportunity to explore the world without intense parental restriction. I spent many a day frantically biking around on my baby-blue banana seat, trolling the neighborhood, and having ink berry fights with the boys down the street. My dinner guests' experiences were not dissimilar. The interesting part is that we all came of age in different decades. We spanned the 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. We laughed and connected over the crazy things we did, and survived. Our stories were pretty similar although the times and culture in which we lived were different. We talked a lot about how parenting today is different. Dare I say - worse. More restrictive and anxiety provoking. In our business, my colleague and I often see the result of anxious parents and anxious family systems, which is understandably anxious kids. I think most parents would not define themselves as anxious but the way we currently parent as a society is absolutely anxious and avoidant of distress or discomfort - the dreaded helicopter parent. Anyway, as Mark and I work to raise our own three children, we wrestle over the 'right' way to parent. Mark errs on the interventionist side and I on the free-range, but we somehow have come to agree about what works best for our family. Being a psychologist and a lover of mommy blogs, our style is a blend of psychological theory and pop-cultural research. We are not perfect. Our kids are not perfect. We all are flawed, human, and works in progress. I write this piece to open the discussion about modern day parenting and whether or not it is actually working for our children and our families. These are some ideas that guide our parental approach. Take it for what it is worth. A snapshot of a few things we prioritize as parents include: 1) Promoting a healthy sense of self (also known as helping our kids develop solid self esteem), 2) Letting go. Allowing our children the freedom to learn from their own experiences, and, 3) The Cadre. The balance between hard, basic structure with loads of freedom.
Promoting a healthy sense of self is of utmost importance to Mark and me as parents, allowing our children to develop a strong ego, stoking a solid self-esteem. Obviously, every parent wants this for their child but in my clinical work, I often see parents getting in their own way. So, the question is- how do kids develop a strong sense of self? I often refer to Heinz Kohut who is the founder of the field of Self Psychology. He believes that if parental figures are attuned to their children's needs for nurturance and soothing, and are responsive to these needs, they ultimately promote a healthy development of the child's ego. In very basic terms, the goal is for parents to have a deep understanding of their children, love them, and reflect this back to them; the child then internalizes self-worth. It is like holding a mirror up to your child so they can see their own wonder and greatness. You can also think about your child as a bottle that will get filled up with feelings and thoughts about them self. Parents can help their children genuinely see their strengths and goodness or fill them with judgment and criticism. I am doing Kohut a disservice with this brief and partial explanation but there is too much to his theory to quickly write about on a blog. I would suggest looking him up yourself. The take home note is that being empathically attuned to our children and helping them see their beauty will last a life time in terms of their experience of themselves and others.
Moving on to a less complicated idea - The Cadre, as taken from the pop-culture book, Bringing Up Bebe. In reading this French parenting book, I absolutely identified and found language for our style, which we naturally came to on our own. We employ the French Cadre Parental Model, if that is such a thing. Anyway, the idea is that our kids have a general structure of what is right and wrong. They absolutely know they cannot cross the street without an adult and know that hitting will get them sent straight to their room, but everything within the framework is generally fair game. Having two boys, there is a lot of rambunctious wrestling, jostling, potty-talk, teasing of each other...all things I am not thrilled with, but those are the battles I am willing to give up in the name of letting kids be kids. Pamela Drukerman used the example of the playground to exemplify this. French children know they cannot leave the playground, and don't generally try, but are free to run ruckus within the parameters of the park. With that said, we are okay with the controlled chaos but they are often asked to take it to the playroom or outside as it is just too loud for a non-chickadee, such as myself. This style grants us space to back off our kids and let them be developmentally-appropriately nuts, while removing the nagging element from the dynamic. We all know nagging does not work. It tortures the nagger and the naggee. I do feel like when I say something with certainty, the kids listen because they know I mean business and will follow through with a consequence. I have earned their respect by respecting their individuality and need for space.
Lastly (for today) I want to focus on independence in the name of self-efficacy. We believe in giving our kids space to discover what works and what doesn't on their own. This helps them learn in a deeper way than just being told what to do and it also allows for optimal frustration (another Kohutian idea), which states children learn self-soothing skills by experiencing tolerable disappointments. These experiences help build their internal psychological makeup and prepare them for a world where there are normal and expected disappointments. It might be a tad premature but I am already picturing these little guys in high school and really want them to be independent and self-efficacious so they can navigate their worlds with some success and without needing to check in with us about every decision. The reality is, we are not going to be there when they are offered alcohol, drugs or a ride with a drunk friend. They need to be able to think about it and respond. Obviously, my hope would be that they could talk to us about these difficult decisions but realistically, when push comes to shove, it is going to be outside of my control at a time and place when I am not there. I need to do the front end work now (while I have a captive audience), allowing them space to learn what is right and wrong for them. No, I am not often directly talking about drugs and alcohol with my kids yet (although it does come up when we have wine and when Uncle smokes) but I am consciously laying the groundwork for these conversations later. We also very consciously let our kids go out and play without us. Cam is 6 and Tyler is 4 and they spend most of their time in the yard. Granted, I am always peeking out a window and know where they are and what they are up to, but they have internalized a sense of being okay without us right beside them. I have learned to trust them and hopefully in turn they are trusting themselves and the world around them.
All and all, we are learning as we go. But, thankfully, I have the opportunity to work with many amazing people who share their deepest secrets with me. I am privy to personal narratives that people do not share in most other settings. Through this work, research, and my own experience as a mother, I am very clear about some basic tenets of parenting my children (today). They need space. The need us to empathize and validate their experience as new-ish, developing people in this sometimesharsh world. They also need clear and distinct boundaries to guide their path. Some things are off limits and they need to know Mark and I are in charge. This actually makes them feel safe, cared for, and loved. I sit here with a 6 year old, 4 year old, and 1 year old and although I feel good about where we are today, their stories are not fully written. I have a sense of how we want to parent now but this could change over time although I believe these basic tenets hold true for any age. So, in response to the current cultural pressure to be a helicopter parent (to more or less degree), I encourage caregivers to step back and honestly ask themselves if this feels right. Is this how we want to raise our children? This is a new cultural phenomena. Why has there been this shift? And, although there are different dangers out there today, I believe people are responding to their own fears rather than a true increased threat to our children and at the cost of our children's mental health. What is your parenting model and why?